It happened on the way to the IP...

I joined Steve Sanders and his bride for a tour of the International Plaza yesterday. Sure I was the third wheel but Steve doesn't come to town often and I know that he doesn't enjoy time with his family, thus any excuse for him to be 'out' works for him. Two notes:

1) Steve got burned...badly. We ran into a pair of Chi-O's including The Ladies Woman who Clay took advantage of one night in a fit of lust...on Loper's bed...while The Ladies Man was running on tv...while I was asleep in the other room and could hear most of it. She didn't remember him. I laughed a lot on the inside. Me, well I got a big hello, name recognition and a hug. It was glorious, only for the fact that I had never seen her naked, yet she recollected who I was from like 5 years ago.

2) We saw Carrie Winters. She looks the exact same as she did 7 years ago. Not similar, but exactly the same. She did not have the info that I craved. There was no new revalations that she could provide. Sure, Steph and Laura had a baby and Christy is engaged, but what was Loper doing? I don't necessarily care, but it would be nice to know.*

3) I still can't afford anything in that building.

*as an aside, Steve came upon the info later that night that Loper is currently dating someone who was described by a female amiga as 'cute.' I don't know what that translates too.

Don't Throw Me Down Clark...

On the coner of 1st Ave S and 42nd St

Not real sure what was going on here but he wasn't playing, just sitting with instrument in hand...

Break out the pole...

As the son of a Jew, Catholic and Southern Baptist I choose to follow the faith which suits me best!
Last night was the company Holiday party at the Vinoy. Sadly, there were no real shenanigans to report other than the eccentric white guy attempting to dance to Motown with an older African-American woman...only 20 minutes into the night. Everyone at my table won a prize except me making it 4 straight years of losing. Even Nino won a gift cerificate to the I-Plaza...Damn the world.

Best outfit-the Canadian transplant that wore a leoperd-print dress with striped leggings.
Best Male outfit- the nimrod who wore a bowtie

VIP EMO...

I'll be joining the ranks of the 14-year-olds on Sunday...

Next Big Thing kicks off...12 bands, 2 stages...all frickin day.

Make fun if you want but I am only there for free beer, free food and My Chem.

Special thanks to Heather French for the hook up.

From the slightly disturbing files...

Just returned from the Men's restroom...upon the porcelain urinal sill sat 6 pubic hairs. I know there were 6 because I counted them. Though I am not a forensic scientist, I could deduce they were from one person since they had a similar color and curl.
Now, I am a man. I understand that in the urination process you may lose a soldier or two during extraction and whizzing...but I ask, who is whipping it out and peeing with such ferocity that they drop 6 hairs? Also, it is worth noting that if you lost 6 hairs and this is a daily habit, you are going to give yourself a home-made brazilian wax in about 3 weeks at the pace you're going.

A sign from heaven...

The Wife and I love our home. It's cozy, it's quiet, it's sweet-ass-sweet. It's whitebread America at it's finest and we eat it with a spoon. Who knew it could get better...

Turns out that a former homeowner of said property was a hollywood star of screen and stage playing parts on Happy Days, Battlestar Galactica, Six Feet Under, Star Trek and Arrested Development as well as characters from Christopher Guest films - just to name a few.

That's right, Ed Begley Jr. It appears as though, and I am not making this up, he mistakenly signed his car title from Maher Chevrolet Ed Bagley Jr, much like George and Jon Voight's car. I'm sure it was carelessness as he was in a rush as to not get mobbed while making his purchase. Can you say "property value skyrocket!"? I have written him a letter inviting him to stop by anytime should he want to see his old haunts.

I have no pencil with bite marks as truth. But I do have a piece of paper inviting Mr. Begley/Bagley to take advantage of Maher's wonderful Fall and Winter Savings. It shall be placed as an addendum to our title document.

As a side note, the wife and I caught For Your Consideration, which has Mr Beagley in it. Frickin hilarious movie. Southern Jews and Fred Willard with a mohawk...'nuff said.

Thanksgiving Eve...

I'm in the office right now where there is literally 5 people. Yet I am here since I am lowest on the totem pole of middle management. So in my boredom and in an effort to not do any real work I did what everyone does. Searched for old friends on MySpace, read the newspaper cover to cover then searched for myself on Google to make sure there wasn't any news about me that I didn't know. It was a very humbling experience for me though...it took 7 pages before I actually located something about me, mostly because of this A-hole who has stolen my life.

The most interesting photo search came up with this...

I'm not really sure what it means in the grand scheme of things.

The greatest turnaround...EVER

Six weeks ago no one knew who Tony Romo was. He was warming the Cowboys bench as Bledsoe's bitch fetching water and towels and pretending to be a part of a NFL team.

Fast forward to now. Romo is king of the world. He's the starting QB for the Cowboys, has single-handedly turned around "America's Team", saved Bill Parcells' job, saved T.O. from throwing another fit and getting into a sumo match with Parcells, and now we find out that the new golden boy has stolen headlines with his rumored romance with Jessica Simpson. A month and a half ago he was eating Ramen noodles with his dog in a studio apartment, this week, he's dining at the hottest steakhouse in Texas with Daisy Duke on his arm and taking her back to his penthouse.

UNBELIEVABLE.

Not since Buddy from Who's the Boss have we seen someone's stock rise so high, so quickly...and we all see what happened to that whackjob.

Romo needs to quit now. Leave while you're on top. It only goes downhill from here. Eventually your team will start sucking, eventually you'll lose your job and eventually her dad will meddle in your relationship and she will leave you. Until then, be seen everywhere with her. Leak a sex tape. Write a song she can sing about how much Nick Lachey sucks and you're cooler.

Molding the Minds of America...

I took up teaching for the day...rather for two and a half hours...all for the sake of the GREAT AMERICAN TEACH-IN (said like the guy in the movies with some after effects with my voice trailing off). Me vs. 50 or so 7th graders at Stewart Middle School in Tampa. I talked about my job, only problem is that I have no clue how to describe my job which gave me a solid 20 minutes of rambling tutorial before I stared out to a sea of bored 13 year olds and asked for "any questions?".
Top Questions:
-"Are you rich?"...no..(follow up question) "well how come you work with millionaires but you're not rich?"...I don't know.
-"How are the afterparties?"...we don't have after parties, I don't work with the Rolling Stones...(follow up question/comment)..."Well then how do they get crunked?"...how do you know what that means?
-"Have you ever met any celebrities?"...not unless you count the FSU Cowgirl.

Busted

Scene: in front of Water (sushi restaurant, not a liquid body) in South Tampa.
Time: 9ish...in the pm
Date: Friday. Nov 10 (last night)
Weather: very nice, 70 degrees, clear skies
Attire: casual...jeans and a short-sleeved shirt

action...The Wife and I had just completed a fine dinner of sushi and drinks and were waiting in the valet line for the guy to literally walk 20 feet and pull my car around. The car he had just brought around was loading up so we took the opportunity to embrace and put on a smooching display for all to see. At which point The Wife took it a step further, in an effort to embarass me, and jumped up and wrapped a leg around me like I was a pole. At this point I catch movement over her left shoulder and see the rear passenger window of the Lexus SUV begin to creep down and a blonde, 8-year-old pops his head out and gives me the Jack Byrnes...point to eyes, points at me...then his mom pulls off.
I felt like a pederast.

I repeat, do not twist and turn...

I felt like I was johnny-corporate yesterday. The cause?... why, a mid-afternoon Safety Seminar.

The only thing I can surmise is that the company that insures us makes us do this. Why would anyone give a safety seminar to 40 people who sit at a desk for most of the day and the heaviest thing they lift is a stapler? Why would anyone pay a salary to a person to travel the country and get ridiculed for an hour while trying to seriously convey that improperly holding your mouse or sitting in your chair incorrectly can cause you to be a parapalegic by the age of 55?

The only redeeming qualities about the meeting was (1) free cookies, (2) my boss and department getting the stink-eye from the instructor for continually giggling (he wrote: "Chris leaving the bar" under a picture of a guy ankle-deep stumbling through a pit of cement and thought it was the funniest thing ever) and this video

which the instructor played 14 times for so. I learned that i should not wear a back brace, I should sit more than an arm's distance from my computer and under no circumstance am I to stick my hand in the paper shredder to "feel if it's working."

Next week is Sexual Harassment...

Where did Wally Joyner go and other perils of Nintendo?

What does one do with their offseason? They participate in an office RBI Baseball tournament. 30 people, head-to-head matchups limited to the playoff teams from 1986 and 1987 as well as the AL and NL All-Star squads. My first matchup is tomorrow over lunch against Bob in sales. I played a practice game with Nino yesterday. I didn't fair well, but I feel confident I will survive a few rounds with my mad skillz. I prefer to play with the NL All-Star squad but I will fall back on the Angels or Tigers if necessary. The best part is that we have the 1984 video game system hooked up to a high-def 60" TV .

best things about RBI:
-The guys are all fat.
-the guys are all white.
-They can't spell out anyone's name longer than 6 letters which leaves a mystery as to who Pedriq is?
-The music is more addicting than the Macarena.
-Dave Henke throws 98 MPH even though he never threw over 90 MPH in his life.
-Jose Canseco hits the ball out of the stadium every time.
-They work with a 4 color pallette which means that teams change uniform colors only for the purpose of your game...which makes me feel special.

Late night crime...

I am a casual fan of CSI: NY. I like Gary Sinese. I enjoy the token black detective and The Who intro song rocks. But as an added bonus, Claire Forlani is now on the show fairly regularly. And to make matters better, she has an english accent. It's ridiculous to think that a British forensic pathologist would work for the NYPD but if word gets out that the sultry sexpot who once loved a dead Brad Pitt is on the show, they would own the ratings. Shame on CBS for keeping such a secret. Note to self, an accent makes everything better...Crocodile Dundee for instance. That movie would have sucked if he didn't have an Aussy drawl.

D'oh!

More proofing today at the office which means an excuse for good background noise...what better than a scary movie marathon on AMC during the midday hours?

The lineup: Child's Play, Friday the 13th and The Exorcist. All movies Brandon has never seen because he pees his pants very easily. It's great with the daytime TV though because it's-
"hey, let's make out...feel my boobs"...cut..."wow, that was really hot"...cut..."ahhhhhh"...cut...flash knife...cut...body on the ground. No blood, no guts, no dangling intestines.

I learned 3 very important things today though:
1) Don't buy your kid a toy off a homeless guy in the alley behind the mall.
2) Never underestimate your child's ability, at the age of 7, to know the Subway system, how to hail a cab or how to navigate the city and the projects.
3) Never have sex at summer camp because you're going to get killed during or shortly after postcoital snuggling.

also important to note that getting hit in the face with a machete will kill you and probably really hurts if it doesn't cut all the way through. But if you get hit with a machete in the face on AMC you won't bleed, and that is neat.

3 hour tour

PR by the Sea was in full effect today as the Rays hit to the water for the yearly boat trip. A good time was had by all...no office, sun shined, Nino was not picked up by immigration, good lunch at the Seahorse in Tierra Verde and cold beer.
...Coors Light numero Uno popped at 10 am...it's so good when it hits your lips.
...Cos was gracious enough to provide entertainment by wearing his tank top.
...The group madeit back to shore safely with no instances, other than running aground once.

OH YEAH, BROTHER...

Slow day at work today, massive reading/proofing so we turned to VH1 for entertainment...
Noon-2: Fast Times at Ridgemont High...If there were a contest on who would look exactly like Rat, I'm pretty sure I'd win.

2-3: Hogan Knows Best...I am a fan of the Hulkster, always have been.
Today he bestowed the greatest bit of advice I've ever heard.

Subject-How to pick up chicks...Hulk's solution - "Hey there, want to come up to my room, get naked and wear my title belt."

If only I knew that that was the secret to scoring, I could have raked up at the trailer park next to my house.

Definition of fun...

...is spending two nights in the Bambi motel with some of your favorite people and not getting shivved.

Nino got the pics back from our bachelor weekend in Gainesville when the Gators whooped up on LSU. Our good friend Urban Meyer hooked us up with some sweet seats for homecoming. I took the boys to Salty Dog, The Bank (actually we just saw the outside since we weren't cool enough to get in), Durty Nelly's and Sidebar...Would have gone to Cluck U but it is now Sloppy Gators which evokes images of Freshman sluts keeled over tables. The weekend consisted of drinking, tailgating on University (FYI - it costs $12K to buy a parking spot on the drag to tailgate now...what happened to the good old days?), drinking, visiting gameday, drinking, not dying at the Bambi, late nighte pit stop at the Waffle House, RV's immaculate burgers and drinking. A good time was had by all...

good news...the band still sucks, Mr. Two-Bits is still rocking and the Orange & Blue guy is still who I want to be when I grow up.

Here's what we learned from wedded bliss and beyond

-The Wife was hott
-My ring is so heavy my wrist hurts
-Clay did not want to give a speech
-The Wife's boss busted ass on the floor
-Mammoth Muffin can do a mid-air split...and not tear his dong muscle
-Joey Fatone will now be known as "The Tornado"
-I can imbibe about seven (double) 7&7's and still function
-The Gator's did not win...but we had fun listening in the 2'x2' bathroom
-When she says "Let's go just look at puppies", she means, " I think we will find a cute one to bring home"
-There is no better feeling than drinking a margarita beachside and not knowing what day or hour it is
-The new digital camera can capture 23 minutes of video

Crikey!

The Pit feels the worlds sorrow today with the loss of one of our favorites. If you had to go though, what a sweet frickin way to die. Only death at the hands of Steven Seagal or Chuck Norris would top getting a stingray barb straight through your heart.

What a Croc...

Do you feel a draft? The Final Chapter

more from my day:

1:45-To Publix!
2:00-I've got some anti-mold spray, a box of cereal, vitamin water and trash bags...you'll see where I'm going with this...
2:02-Realize I'm hungry and scour the store for lunch.
2:03-I find myself deciding on which Hot Pocket to devour. Steak and Cheese or Cheeseburger. I went with the latter.
2:15-Arrive home and begin to turn my home into a vagrant's paradise.
2:45-6 nails and 6 black garbage bags later we have ourselves a wonderful little shanty/abode/homeless shelter.
3:00-Pause to watch COPS...they're in Atlanta, it's one of the best.
3:05-Note to self...in August in Florida with no AC, the house will get no hotter than 86 degrees.
3:15-Decide that if contractor comes back with an outrageous offer myself and Pops will tackle the ceiling tomorrow. Translation=my father and I will fuck up our housing design and decor for the sake of frugalness thereby setting ourselves up to get about 10 cents back when we sell the place.

...But you'll be able to see the moon at night..Part Deux

11:45-Man from drywall company shows up.
11:47-Tells me I'm screwed.
12:00-Leaves without fixing anything or estimating a cost.
12:01-I rethink my career. I need a job where people call me, I show up with no tools, tell them they need to get it fixed and that someone will call them. And then leave. Then pick up a paycheck.
12:30-I decide I am going to take it upon myself to create an outline of damage, much like a homicide scene from CSI with the chalk outline except no one's dead...yet.
12:31-Hoist myself into the attic
12:35-Contort my body so that I can almost lick my bellybutton. Reach around the AC carrier and poke to see if it's wet. 2'x2' chunk falls to the ground. My answer is yes, that was wet.
12:36-Spen the next 30 seconds not moving in hopes that I don't crash to the floor.
12:37-Wonder if I do craash to the floor and render myself paralyzed if our 12 pound Shi-tzu will alert a passer by a la Lassie.
12:45-Finish my atlas of damage so that when someone does come fix the shit, they don't try and screw me.

Installing a sunroof in your living room...Part 1

chronicle of my day today (I only know the times because they correspond with Walker, Texas Ranger which I put on for some kickass background noise):

7AM-Wake up, watch Mike and Mike and wonder if in fact the Tigers are going to lose their lead in the AL Central.
7:30 AM-Climb into attic to repair faulty drip pan under AC unit which leaked two days ago and left a bubble on our living room ceiling.
7:40-Get the idea to grab a towel and dry up remaining standing water in said attic.
7:41-Climb out of attic, grab towel, climb back into attic...I literally mean climb here when I say it. the ladder is only a three stepper so I have to walk up the wall and hoist myself into the crawl space.
7:50-Cuss at former owner who is not there to hear me but will burn in hell if all goes well.
7:51-Notice that it appears that the drywall ceiling is sopping wet and in fact seperated AND in danger of falling.
7:55-Race to crawl space, hoist self down as quickly as possible so i can move furniture, tv, electronics, cds, etc...hear ceiling fall in other room.
7:56-Peer around corner to find our living room covered in a dusting of pink and a nice steady drip of water.
8:00-Fill two trash bags with pink insulation and remove 3'x4' piece of fallen drywall from the house.
8:20-Call 30 different drywall companies to find that none are open or that they can't do the job until Monoday.
9:00-Garner enough courage to call The Fi and tell her the story.
9:15-Stop clean up temporarily to listen to biker guy across the street call our crazy neighbor a "crazy, fucking bitch" and run at her car as she drives away continually yelling sentences containing "crazy," "fucking" and "bitch" (not necessarily in that order).
9:30-Get a call back from a company I don't remember calling. young lady informs me that Paul will be here at 11:00.
10:30-Waiting for Paul to get here. Will continue after we get the automatic moon roof installed. next to our cieling fan which is danging by a gnat's pubic hair right now.

Bennifer!

Me: Hello
Phone: Hi, this is Henry, I work with Ben Affleck.
Me: um, ok
Phone/Henry: yeah, Wade Boggs got Ben and Jennifer a baby gift but there was no return address
Me: what?
Phone/Henry: Do you have Mr. Boggs' address?
Me: um, hang on.
(give address)
Phone/Henry: Cool thanks, Ben is very appreciative.

I was too stunned to ask for the two hours of my life back suffered watching Daredevil during our fre installment of HBO.

Mighty Morphine Power Wedding...

I know Brandon has been absent from the world but it's mostly because my schedule has left me uninspired to write...but then there's Nino to keep me fresh.

My Cuban compadre informed me he could not go to the Bucs game tonight because he would have to accompany his fiance to a wedding over the weekend in Cocoa Beach or somewhere across the state. Lauren, soon to be Mrs. Nino, was in the wedding leaving poor Nino alone with his burro for Friday night. But then God smiled upon the latino lad...

Since Lauren is staying in the bridal suite, Nino was to sleep in a seperate room with a random roommate. The pairing, I feel, is magical since Nino will be sleeping alongside Sean "CW" Johnson, otherwise known as Red Lightspeed Ranger from THE Power Rangers.

He will be bringing along the complete first season of the Mighty Morphine Power Rangers to make Sean comfortable, later he will be challenging the Red Ranger to a fight just to see if it is in fact as fake as it looks.

I shall recap upon his return...

AGI - part tres...

Ambiguously gay intern just keeps entertaining. If anyone has access to a reality show producer, I have a great candidate for a show...

Andrew, name your top three celebrities---

1) Eddie Vedder
2) Billy Joe Armstrong...from Green Day
3) Ben Stiller (10 minutes later he changed to Anderson Cooper because "there's not much that guy douesn't know")

He also revealed that if Eddie Vedder asked him to make out with him, he would. He would not touch Eddie Vedder's dong unless Eddie wrote a song called Andrew, the dopest guy I know and talked about how cool Andrew is on stage for no less than 1 minute.

My Neighborhood Friend...

I've found a new amigo to hang with. He's warm, welcoming, and never judges. He doesn't mind if I drop in
uninvited and it doesn't matter if I never call to thank him. His name is Lowe's.

I'm not sure who this Lowe fellow is, but he's built himself a real nice facility. Easily marked aisles and affordable merchandise. The hotdog stand out front is a nice accomodation as well. TV's would really tie the whole store together...I've written him a letter.

My first trip was frightening, I felt as though everyone was always looking and judging. 10 trips later, I walk in like I own the place...though it's mostly because I enter through the Garden entrance because those big auto doors at the front are intimidating.

I began my Sunday with a trip to my friendly hardware store (mostly because I had myself a nice little Saturday and didn't have time). My Holy Grail--a 2-in-1 Black and Decker battery powered Trimmer/Edger. I wondered aimlessly and pretended to be on a mission. No one bothered me...thus the secret to great customer service in my mind.

30 minutes of wandering later...Eureka, an entire aisle of shit I know nothing about. I dove past the blades, spelled Trimmer in Arabic and answered a set of safety/trivia questions...then I had to ask for help to load the box in a cart, not because it was heavy, because I couldn't reach it.

Homeward bound, I proceeded to chop up everything that was green in my 1/4 acre yard. This evening The Fi discovered the power felt when yielding Bugsy as she chopped up everything in the back yard that has caused her consternation. I can't wait for my grass to grow.

Sushi and strangers...

Dined on some sush last night with some good company at Samurai Blue in Ybor City. I don't go to Ybor often, mainly because I don't go to clubs, smoke narcotics or light up a stoagie. But damn, Samurai Blue is the best food ever. I highly recommend the Endless Summer Role (banana, eel, avacado and banana's foster sauce) I've got a little flow just thinking about it.

I digress...who sits down right next to us? Emily Lawrence. But I haven't seen her for close to 8 years. She played like she didn't remember who I was. Sha, as if. She wanted the 3-D spectacular back in the days of Gaither Track and Field. Turns out she's married with the last name Harrison and works for the Melting Pot in marketing. It was rather uneventful, but noteworthy none-the-less. I was this-close to totally snubbing her but I made the effort. See, she doesn't understand, I never make the effort. Most times, I just hide and pretend to not see people I know.

Back in the day though, she was friends with the Puerto Rican Princess, and I thought maybe she would know her whereabouts and I can get my money back. All for naught though.

Sidenote-On the way to a nightcap, we walked past the parking lot that housed the ferris wheel that Joey Fatone fondled the 14-year-old on before asking her age.

Back in the saddle again...

Brandon's back...back again...Brandon's back...tell a friend...

I have no excuse for my hiatus other than the excruciating length of the baseball season.

Brief recap of the Pit's life the past 2 months---
The Fi and I moved into Casa de Pit, had some margaritas, I visited the armpit of America (Detroit), then went to the bellybutton of America (Kansas City-its kind of cool. But do we really need it, no), wrapped up the trip with a stop at Geno's in Philly, moved Nino, dog got fleas, listened to my AGI (ambiguously gay intern) explain what the "chopper" is and that he has been to many parties where the chopper took place (eg-drunk boy takes out his hoohaw and swings it around), getting my ass kicked in fantasy baseball, sent Joey Fatone packing for the hills of San Antonio, visited the Polish Annas a few times and comforted Tori and her bad boob job at her father's funeral (may he rest in peace).

Meanwhile, Steve is immersed in bachelorhood on The Island prepping to take on duties of Best Man. His wife is 5,000 miles away and he only works like 3 hours a day so I'm sure the Samoans are just about sick of his antics by now.

Brandon's Traveling Tips: if in Detroit, visit the Old Shellalagh in Greektown, it's a lovely shithole...if in KC, try out Tomfoolery's for a beer to watch a game...stop by and visit Liam at the Nodding Head in Philly (three blocks from the capital building), they brew their own beer and are crazy about the World Cup.

A sphincter says what?

Ambiguously gay intern last night says: "Boy, A-Rod sure does have a nice complexion. He must use South African oils to keep his skin so pure."

Me: "What?"

AGI: "I'm serious. He has nice skin."

The gauntlet is down...

Joey Fatone's days are numbered. He will soon leave Gainesville and enter the real world of male modeling. With him goes my last chance to get free student section seating at Gator football. I am sad and pissed. I have challenged Joey - $20 for each illigitimate child he produces in his final days of irresponsibility that can be linked, by DNA, back to him. Should he become Wilt Chamberlain overnight, he could pay off his school loans.

On a totally seperate note, Bright House visited Casa de Dangle and gave The Fi and I the gift of life, or as we call it cable.

The Gauntlet is down...

Joey Fatone's days are numbered. He will soon leave Gainesville and enter the real world of male modeling. With him goes my last chance to get free student section seating at Gator football. I am sad and pissed. I have challenged Joey - $20 for each illigitimate child he produces in his final days of irresponsibility that can be linked, by DNA, back to him. Should he become Wilt Chamberlain overnight, he could pay off his school loans.

On a totally seperate note, Bright House visited Casa de Dangle and gave The Fi and I the gift of life, or as we call it cable.

The Gauntlet is down...

Joey Fatone's days are numbered. He will soon leave Gainesville and enter the real world of male modeling. With him goes my last chance to get free student section seating at Gator football. I am sad and pissed. I have challenged Joey - $20 for each illigitimate child he produces in his final days of irresponsibility that can be linked, by DNA, back to him. Should he become Wilt Chamberlain overnight, he could pay off his school loans.

On a totally seperate note, Bright House visited Casa de Dangle and gave The Fi and I the gift of life, or as we call it cable.

Verizon blowhards

I've been on hold for about 45 minutes with Verizon trying to cancel my phone service. They suck...I suck more for waiting.

Sidenote: Management gave us a half day off today and allowed an open bar during lunch.

memo to management - bad idea to let PR drink for 2 hours on your dime while we should be working, you should know better.

That Mannequin is hott!

Brandon's first prediction of 2006...

Jack's Mannequin will be the hit album of the summer. Sure it's no Thong Song, but it has staying power.

I don't take the soapbox for a lot of bands, but for this one I will. Download it to your iPod, now .

Under Construction

The Pit will be relocating shortly which is partially responsible for its absence from casa de blogosphere. The Fi and I will be living in sin for only 6 more months, but now in a new location.

Yes, it has a white picket fence which makes me want to throw up it's so white collar American but the football dog will love it. Plus, Mama Jew thinks the trellis out front counts as a hoopah which scores us lots of points and might count as a grandkid for a few years. Also, it comes with a 6-person Jacuzzi, or as Joey Fatone calls it, the Real World Hot Tub. Cameras will be installed shortly and we've rented Trishelle to stop by on a weekly basis to make out with whomever happens to be soaking in their skivvies.

And it's not in the ghetto, has never had a dead person in it and doesn't need to be de-bugged, which is nice. It's a very comfortable feeling to be able to walk out your door and not fear to be shivved.

For those who have never purchased anything of this magnitude, buying a house is like taking everything you have earned in your life and giving it to a stranger in hopes that the building does not fall down.

The Pit's nomination...

Noah for Prez, Billy as his VP

and this guy as the Secretary State.

Go Gators.

A Tale of Two Mexicans...

True story...

I approach number 715 where The Fi and I reside when I am greeted by a stout latino with a paint roller. He arms himself as if we are to do battle. Before I am able to call up Gandalf to borrow a staff and commence a la Steven Segal, he informs me - "other side, ese" as he points with said roller. (I added the 'ese' to the story for effect).

"Perfect" I exclaimed with three Target bags, dog food and a folder in my hands. Why shouldn't I have to walk all the way around the other side of building 7 to enter my abode.

I trapse around back to find latino numero dos going in circles on the riding mower with his airman's earmuffs on. Then a piece of mulch slings past my head (literally heard it whizz) and smashes against the wall next to me. I of course react as calmy and cooly as possible by dropping everything and fearing that a scud missle has narrowly missed me. Of course my cussing is not heard by johnny earmuffs but I'm fairly certain his limited English-speaking ability would have allowed for a proper translation.

I had an awesome off-day.

Nat finally paid the electric bill

The Pit has reopened briefly for this PSA...

I am not Irish. I enjoy beer as much as anyone, especially Sam Adams Summer Ale. I don't like to drink green things. I don't like to pee next to someone with a shamrock bead do-hickey around their neck who feels the need to pinch me because I have no green on. I don't own a green anything including shirts, shorts, socks, underwear, condom, etc. I don't want to pay $5 just to walk into a restaurant that I can normally enter for free. I don't know how to pronounce Schliante (even though you have it written in front of me). Leprachauns are in fact gay. Fuck off St. Patty.

Clash of the Titans...

Submitted by Nino and Scotty Too Hotty...

Ultimate Showdown

Who's your daddy...

I once again got in touch with my neo-punk roots last night taking in a NoFX concert at Jannus Landing. And yes, me and my 38 year old boss/friend were the oldest ones there.

Half way through the show...and this is no lie...I got hit on. I attribute it to my new updated Lance Bass haircut.

She pulled the old, "I think I know you, you look very familiar." For fun, I played along as gave her my smoothest response. "Nope, don't think so."

"Where do you live," she querried.

I shot back with the moxie of 007, "Clearwater. Maybe you've seen me at the Super Target, I go there a lot."

Her response, "Nope, I don't go there. Where do you go to school?" Cue tires-screaching sound effects and my sarcastic chuckle.

"I don't go to school. I have healthcare and a car payment."

But is is good to know that I have now been approached by 100% more women as a 24 year old than all three years of high school.

Dick Cheney Memorial Scattershot

-Why is snowboarding an olympic sport? And why would you let people call you "The Flying Tomato?"

-I received a letter in the mail today from a "Mr. M. Burns." No lie. It was eeeeexcellent.

-I had a newspaper reporter ask me for a pen today because "he forgot his." A reporter. There are only two things you need to be a reporter...paper and a pen. You wake up, you grab two things and you're set. Paper-check, Pen-check...and you're set for the day. Imbecile.

The Pit turns 100

With this post, The Pit reaches the century mark and is now eligible for syndication...Free malts and a lap dance from Valerie for everyone who stops by and says congrats to Nat. Everyone's invited, even the Chang-Rodriguez wedding party and the random white guy who snuck in the photo.

On a more serious note --- Ask a Ninja...and if you own a video iPod, download his podcast. A grown man who thinks he can accurately toss a chinese star, believes he's skilled in nunchucking and says and does dumbass things...reminds me of someone, but I can't quite put my finger on it...

I guarantee this guy owns a Bowflex.

May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits tonight...

I am hereby boycotting CBS. I don't need you or your Crime Scene Insolants.

In the words of the wise Walter Sobcek: "I told that fuck down at the league office-- who's in charge of scheduling?"

They up and cancelled 'Love Monkey' today, the only show I enjoy watching on tv these days (other than Scrubs, The Office and Project Runway), not to mention, I'm in the damn show.

It was an insurmountable montage of the guy formerly known as Ed, a former teen heart throb, the once sex-kitten in Mind of a Married Man and Kitty from Arrested Development (woohoo Spring Break!). How is it possible a show once touted as a male Sex and the City can't stay on the air but fuckin Kristin Cavalleri can?







That show really brought the room together...

Dreams can come true...

What happens when you let rednecks and eskimos drink together?

"Extreme Ice Racing"

WHAT THE...

Slideshow Bob...

Submitted by Slick Rick. Notice that if you are an NFL quarterback chicks still give it up even if you get wasted and spill liquor all over your shirt causing you to remove it and wear a soaked undershirt at the club.

VIEW NOW

It's questionnable...

New intern started today. I'll be blunt, I can't figure out if he's gay or not.

Exhibit 1-He wears a long sleeved button-down shirt with the top THREE buttons undone and a form-fitting, ribbed black tank-top underneath.
Exhibit 2-He was doing a project that required gluing something onto a piece of paper and asked if we had another glue stick because his had run out. I hand it to him and he says, "Oh good, a big one. I like big glue sticks." I couldn't figure out if he was kidding or not.
Exhibit 3-He drinks Pepsi...all the time. I haven't seen him without a can in his hand yet.
Exhibit 4-He told me within the first 2 hours he was in the office that he had downloaded a porn movie to his iPod and the quality was awesome. But he whispered porn. He also says 'F' instead fuck, yet he says the word shit.

Not that there's anything wrong with that...

Steve, your find has made it big time!

BAMF=Chuck Norris

I definitely smell a pork product of some kind...

I love COPS. It could be the fact that I was raised by a house full of cops or it could be a freudian mental mind-fuck that I like to view those less fortunate than me. Either way, there is and never will be a better half-hour of tv than COPS. The premise of every show consists of three things:

1) stolen car. officer finds drugs/paraphenalia/gun in plain view.
2) domestic violence (usually involving a trailer and Jack Daniels).
3) prostitution.

Every once in a while they intersect and you get a drunkard who has crashed a stolen car into his trailer then beat the shit out of his toothless girlfriend (who says they were just playing with the dog) but forgot to hide the pound of coke that she was snorting after she just got done hooking.

I think that from my experience watching the show along with my cat-like speed and reflexes I would make a great street cop (though my fear of guns would render me alone with taser). Like tonight, the police car drove down the street and passed a man on a bike with a mullet and a scrappy Jansen backpack wearing a shirt that read "Shut Your Butt." I said to no one in particular, "I would stop him just because." Sure enough at that moment the call comes in for a suspected burgler fitting said man's description. It's a sixth sense people. I think I would also be good at vehicle chases. My dad once taught me how to J-hook a car just in case, you know, I ever need to use it. I'm like Batman or the Green Lantern. Call me when you need assistance po-po.

Favorite scene all-time: Prostitute stopped in the middle of sucky-suck steps out of the vehicle with a dress (no panties or bra mind you, just a purple sun dress) and a boom box. That's all her belongings consist of, ergo she uses it as a purse. "Where's your ID ma'am?" She opens up the tape deck. You can't beat that people.

Why I should be 94

I thought it was a good idea at the time. AAA, free convention, vacation giveaway...what more could you ask for? The Fi and I trekked over to the IP on Sunday and mingled with a gaggle of retires at the local AAA Vacation Extravaganza in search of honeymoon ideas. It was much like the time Ben and Sandra pretended they were buying a condo in Florida and traveled with the retires in Forces of Nature (Sidenote-I find this to be a delightful flick). It could go down as one of my top 10 worse decisions as we both ended up being the youngest ones there, about 40 years off the average attendance age and way too passive. Besides the wave of blue hair and nasty, nasty, cranky old farts, I left with no free vacation and I smelled like Ben Gay but in true form to my heritage I got about 10 FREE books covering cruises, train rides, horseback trails, spas, carribean islands, etc. In conclusion, there are about 300 20-somethings in the Bay area who are getting jack shit for an inheritance because g-ma and pops want to see the Aztec ruins by mandarin gondola and stay at the Ritz Carlton.

We have three problems: 1) I travel 6 months out of the year, why do it any more than you have to?, 2) There's not enough sedative for The Fi to fly, or boat, over an ocean, 3) We're both inherently lazy. So we are in search of how to celebrate marital bliss without traveling far, traveling on water, getting bored or spending an ass-load of money.

Show me yours and I'll show you mine...

Tomorrow begins what I feel is possibly the most ridiculous, unfounded celebration in the Bay Area-Gasparilla. It's a good excuse for the yuppies south of Kennedy (that's right, talking to you Q) to pretend that pirates invade the city and the streets flow with beer and cheap plastic beads. But it's also a good reason to drink and therefore, I partake.


The Pit's all-time favorite tale from Jose Gaspar's party would have to be when Joey Fatone pulled a "Fear" moment with an underaged girl on a ferris wheel constructed by obvious illegal immigrants who read the directions upside down. What makes it even better is that the next year, while on 7th avenue, we were not allowed to say the words "ferris wheel" while his then-girlfriend was around or she would run to the car and cry.

Runner-up: Steve peeing on the leg of Danny, a guy who we knew and gave a ride to.

TKO

My ego just lost a 10 round bout with Tyson...and it looks like this



I am fine, but my pride feels like Elizabeth Berkeley when she was denied Showgirl status the first time. But I too will perservere and pick myself, and my unitard up because I'm good enough, strong enough and doggonit, most people like me.

DC chose someone else. Which means that somewhere out there is someone who I will one day destroy.
I shall return to the cabana-wear shop and ask for my cruise clothes back. Who was I kidding, I am a Floridian and shall always be.

Brandon goes suit...

Encountered my first-ever interview on Friday. Nothing like waking up at 4:45 am and having to "be on" for the next 16 hours. I made it through the entire day without offending anyone or making any inapropriate comments; two small steps for Brandon, one large step for Walsh-kind.

Toured DC by car with possible new boss who proceeded to make 4 illegal left turns on the way to the yard. This in the city where you cannot go more than 100 yards without the presence of some kind of law enforcement official. I was not sure if this was my first test or not...does one point out the egregious error and pass the ethics portion or does one shut up and pass the 'is he a square' exam. I chose to be cool rather than law abiding, a total contradiction to my life, but if it worked for George, why not me.

Rest of the day consisted of questions, eating, questions, walking, questions and more questions. Seems like a cool gig, supposed to hear Monday. Steve, arise this morning and realize that although Chicago seems sweet, 'if they only pay in peanuts, I can only feed the elephants'-Confuscious.

Choose Brandon's Destination...

Where should Brandon end up? Enter your selection for a chance to win a hearty hand-shake...

1) Chicago-The Windy City, Chi-town, The Meat-Packing Capital of the World.








2) Washington D.C.-Capital City (The Fi can picket on her lunch-break), Eternal Flame, large phallic symbols.










3) Tampa Bay-Sunshine, Beaches, 'No shirt, no shoes, full service.'

Possible history...

It might go down as one of the top 5 lines ever in tv history...

Peter Griffin (pretending to be Jewish to a group of Hasidic Jews):
"They wanted to charge me $800, so I 'us'd' them down to $500"

I'm still laughing today...