By a round of applause, how do you feel...

Ladies and gentlemen, please rise and join me in welcoming Steve Sanders to the Sunshine State as he rejoins his adolescent roots. (pause for clapping).

On a personal note...I think Halloween is dumb. No explanation as to why. It probably has something to do with dressing up and looking like a dumbass. Either way, I don't get it. But in the spirit of the holiday I will rank Brandon's Top 5 Halloween candies:

5) Candy Corns (keepin old school)
4) Bite-size Three Musketeers (only bite-size, the regular bars are too much.)
3) Whoppers (because they always taste stale, and stale things are underrated)
2) Kit-Kat (you can never go wrong here)
1) Bit-O-Honey (I would drink a bottle of honey were it socially acceptable)

1st Annual Peach Pit Cutline Contest...

Sent by a friend. I have no idea who these people are. Please submit your winning caption(s). The winner will receive a hearty handshake and a free virgin pina colada from the Pit.


Brandon's entry: "The cowboy hat came in handy as a toothpick to clean her teeth after eating her friends."

What to do with daddy's money...

Since her wit matches mine and because Brandon wouldn't even know where to to start after last night's (sigh) revelations, The Fi has blessed the Pit with this guest entry:

Chinstrap Dickface…where do I even start? I didn’t think it was possible for this joker to get lamer, but alas, he has proven me wrong. I can’t decide which is lamer: his poor excuse for a beard, his pick-up lines or his man-whore tendencies --- but I think I speak for all ladies when I say if a chin-strap guy in a splatter-paint bathing suit with white knee-high socks and black shoes came wrapping at my chamber door asking if I wanted to cold-kick it at his g-ma’s and g-pa’s house – I think I would have to respectively decline. His grandparent’s house? Show of hands of people who have used their grandparents house as a place to get some nookie...And why have we never seen his house? Maybe he doesn’t even live in Laguna. Maybe he’s a real-OC imposter.

Second thing worthy of note is the luncheon that took place at Casey’s house. I’m all for burying the hatchet – no one wants to get cut by some bitches post-graduation. The reason I bring up the luncheon though is for one reason only: the maid. Casey’s maid was in the full-maid gear. Peter-Pan collar, black button-up dress, etc – this is the first I’ve seen a maid in the traditional gear outside of a strip club or a Halloween costume. I had maids growing up, but they wore shorts and cleaned my tub. No one was outfitted in maid gear and serving up tea sandwiches. I’m all for formality, but a button down shirt and some black slacks should suffice. You’re a maid. We get it.

It was briefly mentioned by Kristin that Talan is getting his G.E.D. Again, I have to stress 'what the fuck' on this one. I realize academics are not exactly on the forefront in Laguna, but a G.E.D.? It’s not like you weren’t given every opportunity here Tal. Your mom’s hot, you drive an Audi – life’s not too tough, so would it kill you to crack a book? Even if you weren’t a straight-A guy and barely graduated, a hot mom like that could probably buy you into whatever college you wanted to go to. Good luck working at the Laguna Starbucks Tal.

And finally, let me address the scenes for next week. We don’t hear about Trey all season and he shows up for a weekend to throw a mudslide benefit/hussy fashion show? He’s too cool for the west coast all year, but hey, let me be a hero for the weekend and show everyone I still have a social conscience. Are they still wearing trucker hats in NYC, Trey? Because I’m pretty sure they went out with Kristin’s faux hair extensions. And The OC has no thoughts other than to take you seriously because your hat is cocked to the side. Were it pointing northward we would not let you back, but since it is cocked, we listen intently. Thank god Jessica's a hussy and makes a fool of JWol next week.

On a totally unrelated sidenote (Brandon here)...mad props to Scotty Pod on the walk-off homer the other night. With any luck you will have continued fame this series and Fox will invariably have to focus on your wife (Lisa Dergan for those unknowing souls) much like they did for Kurt Warner's poor excuse for a Trailer Queen, except this time we will pay attention and not cower in fear and vomit.

Sugar, we're going down swinging...

Day two...concert two. Three words: Fall Out Boy.
Get on the cool train, this band rocks. Sure it was me, my boss, Nino (designated Cuban friend) and 3,000 screaming 14 year olds at the Nintendo Fusion Tour...but I had a good time. So much happened and most of it is unstory-tellable so I will have to use bulletpoints to highlight:
-Pre-party took place at The Uptown. Leo was there but he came armed with a notebook. We'll come back to this later.
-Polish owner/barkeep is named Anna. Her daughter is also a bartender and named...Anna and could range from age 16-23, you can never tell with the Europeans.
-Gave the wink at the door at the gig, got in free. And no, mom did not have to drop us off or pick us up.
-I remember when I was 14, I remember what the girls looked like and wore when I was 14. They didn't look like this. All dolled up with their training bra as their only clothing above the waist. Where was this when I was popping pimples?
-I was asked by three different girls to buy them beer. I told them if they could tell me how old they were when the movie SpaceBalls came out I would oblige. No one had heard of the flick...I'm very dissapointed with today's youth.
-FOB played they're hit song third, rather ballsy for a group not named The Rolling Stones or Lynard Skynyrd.
-After-party took place back at The Uptown. For the first time, there was more than 5 people in the joint. Anna and Anna informed us they had to kick Leo out earlier because he fell off a stool. Leo left his notebook so I did what all nosey assholes do and thumbed through it. I couldn't read it (mostly because i was into double digits in beers) but it was a lengthy play or screen play with a lot of discription. Rumor has it Tarantino and/or Jerry Bruckheimer is involved.
-Also, we came about 10 seconds from me being in my first bar fight. Nino managed to piss off the only African American gentleman in downtown by screaming "yeah California...West Side" for god knows what reason (quick background, Nino is from California ergo his proclivity to shout such nonsense). Long story very short, turns out guy was pissed at me for laughing at what Nino said, there was no fight and everyone left in peace. Nino's best defense though was his explanation that he "was from California and if you listen I'm playing Hotel California on the jukebox."

Punk is the new black

In my everlasting quest to become a part of the punk culture I attended a gig last night. Four bands, 20x20 stage, beer, 100 people...sweet music.
The set kicked off with Scurvy, local hardcore mohawk wearing freaks.
Next was Brain Faliure, a 4-man Asian band (I know, Chinaman is the preferred nomenclature)..."(in broken english) We cahm fruh China to da US and play fuing puhnk music, dis is a sahng abouw cahmin to da US, is cah Cahmin to da US."
Third band was River City Rebels. I'm not lying when I say go see these guys. They're awesome live. A little ska, David Bowie and twangyness all wrapped into 7 drunkards.
Wrap it up with the Street Dogs. They were ok, nothing special.

Best find of the evening was this flyer in a local watering hole...

Now, I'm not really sure where to start. Not only is he a magician peddling his skills with a copied 5x7 piece of paper, but he dresses as a pirate. Also note he has family shows. Mind you, I found this flyer on a table next to a rack of shirts that read "I have the pussy, I make the rules." Also notice he is the Premiere Pirate Magician. Is there a Pirate Magicians Union I am not aware of? Feel free to contact Mr. Bones (notice the picture in which he is wielding a large rusted knife) but remember it's an illusion, a trick is something a whore does for money.

America's next top model...

Brandon's been waiting for this for a long time. Not since George Costanza has one man evoked this type of laughter. I challenge anyone to step up and find a funnier character on television than Dwight. It can't be done.

Brandon's perplexed...

It's not often that I find myself facing a paradox. I awoke today feeling the same torn feelings though. Why would the world be nice enough to let "Chinstrap Dickface" (again, The Fi's apt discription of JWol) be seen in public with LC? There are so many levels of sadness, happiness and utter frustration I feel at once. Johnny on the Spot called it right on, Stephen and Dieter have fallen so hard, so fast (plus packed on 25 pounds or so) that it is somewhat pathetic. Steve is also correct, what kind of game do you supossedly possess, that you would volunteer for grill duties...everyone takes advantage of grill guy and he has no way to get in the action until the action is drunk and passed him by. I want them to suffer, I want Stephen to regret every minute he sees LC nuzzle Chinstrap. But Chin/Dick doesn't deserve her. A pointed out very keenly that he possesses a third weapon now that is entire undefensible..."you're so cute." She knows she's cute and she eats it up with a spoon. He is Charlie Daniels playing LC like the devil's fiddle. Perhaps the grossest violation though was the chariot he swooped her up in. No seatbelts, no door, and he didn't offer to help her in until she made him. No one looks cool in a hotrod. Get a Stringray or a Mustang, that draws punani. Not your dad's gay hotrod. I have no closing to this matter other than Stephen and C/D must fight to the death and the winner gets to fuck Kristin thus leaving LC pure and unviolated, much like Glenn Close in the Natural (ps - did you notice LC wore a white bathing suit...very symbolic). The Real OC haunts me and makes me want to punch my tv.

on a side note...LC might have the most sweet-ass pool/jacuzzi set up ever. Great for parties or hooking up.

Does anyone else think Double S has a thing for Brian Austin Green?

How dare you...

TV went into uncharted waters last night. A little peice of Brandon died. I give you an hour of my life Grey's Anatomy and you disgrace my culture. He came to you in need and you let him lie lifeless on the table. Damn you all. He was the Rookie of the Year...he nailed Tara Reid before she discovered cocaine...he Cutaway with Stephen Baldwin...and he came to you to be saved. Damn you all. RIP Thomas Ian Nichols, I had faith the ladies would scoop you up with their pristine bosoms and nurse you back to health as maybe you become a semi-recurring character. But nay, you pass on. Bullet in head cheatin' mo-fo lives, but Henry Rowengartner is tagged and bagged. Woe is me...woe is you ABC.

oooohhh...it's a lady...

Steve, buddy ole pal...i saw "The Ladies Man" yesterday. She was with a blonde I didn't know, ergo, I did not speak to her. I would have had to run across the entire Old Navy store in Westshore to catch her and it could have been ugly. I did make sure to drag The Fi out of the sale rack and direct her attention to the register so she could get a peek through the jungle of socks and sleepwear in the concourse. She hasn't changed, TLM, I mean. I think that will go down in infamy as both your best choice and worst. It was also the 2nd greatest thing I've ever heard (but not witnessed) while lying in bed. The two chicks going at it below us takes the Blue Ribbon.

Leo the Lionhearted...

I made a friend last night. His name is Leo. Leo likes to hang out at the local tavern, Uptown, which I frequented for the first time last night. The only reason I know his name is Leo is because the Polish bartender screamed at him a few times to shut up and leave us alone.

Leo is a great man that enjoys his alcohol. The bar opened at 4pm, we were there at 6…Leo was boxed out of his mind and probably had been for the entire day since he woke up in a stupor following his drunken escapades from the previous night. I tried to have a conversation with Leo when he sat down in my friend’s seat and sipped on his Pabst Blue Ribbon. I couldn’t understand his rambling so I got up and walked away. Leo kept talking. In fact he had about 4 more conversations with himself throughout the remainder of the time I was there. At one point, he stumbled across the room and stared at the jukebox for 20 minutes only to return after making no selection.

The Polish barmaid whom we befriended explained to us (in a damn thick accent) that Leo was the brother a rich lawyer and son of a rich lawyer but had not had the same fortunes in his life and was “a little slow.”

“um, ya think.”

She then went into explanation how she had bought the place from the Bosnian mafia…I never knew that there were any European “families” in downtown St. Pete. Next we discussed how she was planning on purchasing 80s style tables for the place – “like The Max” I chimed in…it was lost on her, apparently they never got to see Zack Morris in Poland.

The Uptown is my new place, Leo is my new friend. You can find us there everyday after 5 pm.

Tom Skipper's Birthday...

Tonight is the holiest of holy days. Not because Freddie premiers but because Yom Kippur, the Jewish Day of Atonement. From sundown tonight until sundown tomorrow, a good Jew stays home, fasts and goes to synagogue. As a part-time Wanderer I will be doing none of these. As the son of a horrible union between a Catholic dad and a Jewish mother I was able to grow up taking advantage of both religious holidays. Passover-NO SCHOOL...Easter-NO SCHOOL...Ash Wednesday-NO SCHOOL...Yom Kippur-NO SCHOOL.

Today I am more mature and feel that the world is onto my game. I have grown a heart and care about swindling the good people in my life. Plus, I really like food and ain't giving that up for nothing. The Jews did it right though, the Christians have give up something for 40 days, we take care of business in 24 hours...suck on that Jesus.

Sincerely, Brandon (I retain my Jewish heritage solely for the gifts).

Tuesday morning madness...

I no longer care about Kristin, she's heartless, gutless and a downright 'evildoer.' What happened to Jessica at Prom, did she and Jeff escape into a backroom and get busy? I DON'T KNOW, thanks to MTV. Furthermore, the coming attraction's show Jason on a date with LC. He doesn't deserve her, it infuriates me that "Chinstrap Dickface" (the Fi's apt discription and reason #425 why I want to marry her) will try to ifultrate her carnal treasure. Please LC, make the world right, don't allow J in your panties. Just say no to drugs and rich white boys who can't grow a full beard.

On a side note, the producers at MTV once again missed the story that would absolutely kill. Did you see the pre-prom picture session last night, did you catch Charlene, Talan's mom? That's your show MTV, MILF's of Laguna Beach, the Real OC. Oh the plot lines that I can envision...

Seems our good friend Brian thinks he can jumpstart his career after a 10 year hiatus. BAG, listen, if you couldn't make it with myself and Steve next you on the screen, what makes you think Freddie Prinze, Jr. is going to help? His show debuts Wednesday which blows since there's not really any good tv on Hump Day thereby giving him a shot to actually 'make it.'

Guess who's back, back again...

Brandon has returned home from his United States World Tour (sponsored by Coors light). Some highlights from the trip down from Chi-town:

use your vivid creativity and drawing ability...male, 5'10", 155 lbs, white tennis shoes, purple plaid flannel pajama pants, red shirt with the logo of a man flexing his biceps and reading "Welcome to the Gun Show" and to top it off, a cowboy hat. Of course I see him in the security line which snakes like 40 times so all 20 passes, I have to laugh at him and the girl that accepts being seen in public with him.

My favorite convo...Lady taking my bag curbside: "Sir, is your bag locked?"
me: "yes"
her: "well you might want to unlock it in case we need to search it after it goes through the x-ray machine."
me: "then what's the purpose of my purchasing a bag with a security lock?"
her: "(blank stare)"
me: "allow me to answer, so you don't go through it. I have clothes in the bag and it will remain locked. Should I arrive at my destination to find my bag busted I will blame you...Teresa. Good day"

I also arrived early at the gate so I had about 20 minutes to kill so I pretended to kidnap these two kids who parents were at the bar across the way getting a bloody mary and screwdriver at 9:20 am. My plan was to lure them with McDonald's then get them lost in the Duty Free store. No chance I would have been caught.

My Stupid Mouth...

Here I am enjoying myself in The Windy City. Last time I was here I was under 21. This time I’m over 21 yet can’t find the energy to drink. Allow me to take a few moments to share a few anecdotes:

The Michael Jackson of cab drivers---My comrades and I exit the office building and flag a passing cab yesterday to return to the hotel. I am from Florida, I don’t live in a city ergo, I am not a seasoned cab rider. The smell, I can stand…I am an excellent mouth-breather. The lack of English I can stand because I hate small talk and would rather sit in silence and pretend to be rich as I am chauffeured. But, the one thing that scares the shit out of me is when the driver starts the meter then reaches down and puts on his fingerless Huffy driving gloves. Upon further inspection I notice that the floor is covered with trash and the car has not been cleaned in about 7 years, yet his steering wheel is shined and sponsored by Ford with the special Jeff Gordon grips. I made it safely to the hotel…with my eyes closed.

Swirly---For those of you that know me, you know my hatred of public restrooms. I was forced to use one yesterday. I sat and took care of business as usual but apparently no one felt the need to notify the next user of that stall that the sensor on the automatic flusher was broken. I have never used a bade but I imagine it is similar to a toilet flushing 14 times in a matter of two minutes splashing water into places that it should not be at that time. I was scared I would be in a pickle because I couldn’t concentrate. I ended up having to put my hand over the sensor while completing. It was awkward and unpleasant and a reminder why I only like my restroom.

My Stupid Mouth---On today’s cab ride home (the driver did NOT wear gloves) we were driving through downtown when one of my esteemed colleagues pointed out a rather cool design that a building had put up on their front for passers-by to read. We all gave the, “oh yeah, that is cool.” I tried to step up my game and impress the fellow riders who are way more important than me and could have me fired tomorrow if they wanted to or probably killed. “Look at the building next to it, it looks like they have something cool too but I can’t quite make it out,” I exclaimed. Everyone stares as we round the corner and get a better view of the fabulous artistic expression on the façade made by lights. It reads “Think Pink.” No one said anything. I was silent for the remaining 10 minutes of the ride not knowing whether to laugh or apologize.