Celebration at the Pit...

Today is The Fi's birthday. Please join me in wishing her the best. I feel for the lady. Her day falls in the middle of the week. It is usually overshadowed by Thanksgiving. Her sister's bday is in the close vacinity. I don't have enough money to wisk her off to Fiji. And so on...But she ages with the beauty and wisdom unmatched by any other.

Too good to be true...

I guess Talan thought he had enough street cred with his GED alone. That, or Kim finally awaoke from her ecstasy-induced slumber...

IT'S OFF

In related news, Rod's still got The Bod that all the ladies want...and some incredible sperm.

http://et.tv.yahoo.com/newslink/13198/

Black Friday dawns...

It truly was a "Black Friday." The skies were clear and blue as the streets ran red with blood of hungry shoppers.
Though I was unable to find video on the net to share, my favorite clip has been running on MSNBC. There is an african american woman who is first in line at a Wal-Mart in Ohio (I think) who falls flat on her face as the doors slide open. The crowd rushes in and tramples the hell out of the woman who has ample chances to rise to her feet and get to shopping but has to slyly pick up her weave off the floor and reattach it. The runner up is the two men brawling over a laptop in Orlando while the crowd continues to shop around them.

On a related note further blackening the Friday past, The Cobra Kai again rule the karate tournament circuit.

Disney World Turkey Legs are the best...

In the true meaning of another glorious Thanksgiving, Brandon gives you his top 5 things he is thankful for this year:

5-The Fi
4-My super, ridiculous, model-like, outrageously good-looking hair.
3-The Skechers outlet across the street
2-The Uptown Bar (and the two Polish Anna's that run it)
1-Dwight Schrute

This is what it has come to...

It' official, Brandon's worlds will be colliding at The Fi's parent's house for Turkey Day. There is no amount of alcohol that could make me enjoy a Thanksgiving with a kvetching mom and an armed dad whilst my stepmother tries too hard to not embarass me. Throw in an 86-year-old grandpa who dropped the "N-word" two weeks ago on me and The Fi and you've got what I refer to as a 'hootananny.' The only saving grace is that STBFIL (soon to be father in law) buys classy beer instead of piss (see: Natty Lite and the Beast). I figure if I start tonight, my BAC can be well into the 3's by Thursday. In the spirit of the holiday (and because I have nothing to do at work) I have decided to cast my family as if we were making a movie this holiday season...
Me-Jason Priestley (duh)
The Fi-Neve Campbell (it's a sick obsession)
Dad-James Caan (Vegas Caan, not Godfather Caan)
StepMom-Cagney (or Lacey, whichever one was blonde)
Mom-Fran Drescher (a little less laugh, a little more Jew)
Grandpa (aka: Pop)-The dad from Forget Paris that reads the signs as they drive down the road.
STBFIL-The Bob's (from Office Space...he's funny but I always feel as though he could can me at any second)
STBMIL-Shelley Long (from Troop Beverly Hills)
STBS(sister)IL-Lisa Bonet(Cosby Show, not High Fidelity-and not black)
STBSIL's boyfriend-Keanu Reeves (as the BF in Parenthood, except smoking more pot)

A skank betrothel...Laguna Style...

Not only is she beautiful, she is also enlightening and rather witty...
In the words of the immortal Dude - "New shit has come to light." Thanks to The Fi's love of entertainment television, it was revealed this evening on Extra (starring the immortal Mark Magrath) that a one Talon, formerly of Laguna fame is engaged to a Miss Kimberly Stewart, daughter to non other than Rod "The Bod" Stewart. I guess he felt bad because of the car accident he was in with Kim, Stavros and Paris, bad enough...to buy a 5-carat diamond ring. I however speculate that the ring came from the Greek Shipping God who was repaying the GED'ed surfer for his favor to the family ("I'm the only one sober"). Which lucky Laguna hunk will he choose to be his best man? For Stephen, press 1; JWol, press 2; Trey, press 3; Deiter, 4; Cedric, 5. It is now quite apparent that Harpy's Top 10 list should be rounded off with: #10-Skip college, hang with porn star, marry Rock-N-Roll royalty.
Apparently, she thinks he's sexy and she wants his body.

http://people.aol.com/people/articles/0,19736,1131527,00.html

I'm just a caveman, your world frightens and confuses me...

I spent Wednesday in meetings...all day. The only saving grace was that they were in Epcot so when I was just about down and out, there was Mickey and his pals to turn my frown upside down.
One sticking point from the marathon day. I feel that as a society we have been exposed to the world of cellphones, and technology has advance enough, that it is 100% unacceptable for one's cellphone to ring during a closed door meeting and/or presentation. Escpecially, and I cannot waver on this one, if your ring consists of the Happy Days themesong, which I heard at about 10am while in the midst of an indepth discussion about research. They have signs outside and most of the time the discussion leader is kind enough to remind to put our cellphones on vibrate or turn them off. This is the reason foreigners think they can take over our world, if we can't turn off a phone, how are we able to manage nuclear missiles? Spread the world. Most of us are better than this.
-caveat: If your phone rings the theme song from "Greatest American Hero," your funny and you never have to turn it off. If your phone rings "Hollabackgirl," you should be shot on the spot.

Bueller, Bueller...

Remember when Jerry gets 2 hours to talk to his junior high school and has about 9 minutes of material? Brandon will be visiting his old stomping grounds on Thursday, except I've upped the ante by committing to 4 half-hour talks with my elementary school (about 150 kids total). My former teacher is ecstatic, the kids are ecstatic because they get out of class in the morning...I am fairly scared. My topic is: "The importance of school and applying what you learn to life." Uhhhh...I guess I have to speak about paying attention to what your teachers say and doing your homework. You know, the stuff I never did. I figure I can BS my way through about 5 minutes of that and then turn the convo to the importance of TV and watching it as often as possible, because that's what's important to a child's development. Brandon is open to any and all suggestions of ways to cover my ass for the 23 minutes and 34 seconds of dead air I currently have.

on a totally unrelated sidenote- Bravo to the geniuses that are Laguna's producers. They recognize when they have a hit on their hands. The Hills will be the most watched prgram on tv. Laguna looks like it might be a little more edgier (drugs, sex, fights) than it's predecessors. Standing O for MTV. PS: for the female viewers, guys don't EVER hug and say I love you...never, ever.

One for me, one for my johns...

Brandon's math lesson of the day...
4 hours of tailgating including but not limited too: Andrea's breakfast + 2 screwdrivers + 4 Coors Light + 2 Bud Lights + 2 sausages + chicken tenders from Bennegins at 10:30 at night = "I only remember that Mike Alstott scored a two-point conversion...and I have a shit-load of work to do today and really can't focus on anything for more than 10 second before my head hurts."

Damme he's hot...

Sorry for the delay in this posting, I was too busy getting ass-raped by Jeep for my “regulator” breaking and causing the window to slowly crawl down…But I digress.
I had my day made last night by Spike TV – Damme Wednesday! I kept an accurate log of my viewing which was the Reel Classic, Street Fighter.
9:02 – Van Damme, Raul Julia and Kylie Minogue…could you get a worse cast than that. I would’ve like to have been in the room when that pitch was made by the casting director. “No, I think the audience will have no problem with an Australian pop star acting as a military elitist.”
9:08 – Gen. Bison (Julia, aka: bad guy and leader of the feaux Cobra Kai) has created DNA Mutenagens. It looks like someone poured kool-aid into an IV bag of Dasani.
9:25 – Van Damme pulls the old “wear the bulletproof sheet with blood splatter and have your buddy shoot you” fake death. Why didn’t this man ever win an Oscar?
9:30 – We learn that Gen. Bison’s ultimate plan is to create a “perfect soldier” using said Mutenegens. I think if I had to hold hostages for $20 million, it would be for complimentary plasma tv's in every bathroom in the world...with full cable access, not that basic bullshit.
9:45 – We’ve hit a lull as they attempt to set up a back story and intro all the “ultimate fighters” that will save the world. I ponder…favorite Nintendo Games: (1) Contra, (2) Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2, (3) Super Spike Volleyball (don’t discount the value of huge cartoon boobs when you’re 10 years old)…what’s the damn code for infinite lives on Contra?
10:00 – Score one for Brandon, the head US official is the monopoly guy from Ace Ventura 2.
10:15 – The Fi has become bored with my antics and recognizes Minogue is in the film. She begins to sing Locomotion. She then reminds me what a ridiculously bad movie this is and aptly points out that Steve and I probably would have skipped class to watch this 4 years ago.
10:20 – Bison’s ultimate fighting machine is unleashed. He’s a poor man’s Hulk, green skinned, purple pants, red hair…no lie. Apparently the Mutengens don’t make you any bigger, they just give you a bad tan and make your face look like you’re wearing “The Mask.”
10:40 – Climax is approaching. Van Damme is running through his arsenal – Flying Side Kick (A+B), Axe Kick (B, B), Roundhouse (A+up), Roundhouse (A+up), Back kick (A, A, B)…what’s the damn code for infinite lives on Contra?
10:50 – Gen. Bison dies, is revived by his Eddie Murphy-Raw red leather suit and uses his jet-pack boots. If I had jet-pack boots, I would’ve used that shit whenever I could. Need beer from the kitchen, no problem, be right back!
10:58 – Van Damme is victorious. It occurs to me that none of the characters are at any point in this film “Street Fighters.” And Van Damme is bloodless and bruiseless, he’s a god among men…what’s the damn code for infinite lives on Contra?

Holy Cow...

Brandon could have huge news in the near future that could ultimately affect the cosmos and life as you know it (similar to Bill and Ted's timemachine project). I can't discuss it now so as not to jinx myself or jizz on my keyboard at work.

On a similar note: I have decided that getting free stuff is the best feeling ever. Sure sex is fun and satisfying, but landing free shit is the ultimate. Some might say skydiving provides the best rush. How about shopping and then opening your bag to find the cashier forgot to charge you for the $80 jeans? Or getting a promo package at work with a free video game inside (which happened today)? Maybe it's the jew in me, but I can't think of anything better.

Laguna (Hot Sex) Beach

Here I was down on Jason and every stupid atom that he's made of when he executed (though unsuccessfully) probably the greatest move in the history of groveling for one's girl back. Did anyone else notice? He asked for LC's forgiveness and she stated that she couldn't trust him. But JWol thought ahead and planned his outfit knowing that she would counter with that point. He wore his throwback, black, O'hurley t-shirt with the word "Trust" surrounding the center icon. BRILLIANT! Too bad you suck at life Jason.
Furthermore, I have to come down on Mustang for supplying us with this farce. I don't know what kind of bugaboo reporter the Seattle Times has employed, but The Fi's 'People Magazine' disputed just about every claim that was reported in that column. I also heard a rumor that Jason will be playing baseball at University of Tampa this year. If I see him, I will hit him in the throat because I've always wanted to uppercut a punkass.

Don't throw me down Clark...

Saw the family Sunday. It was weird because usually I only have to see their faces once maybe twice a year when there's a holiday involved. This year, it will be thrice because grandma had to turn 82 and we HAD to throw a party consisting of pinwheels, chicken wings, a jello mold (spinach in lemon jello) and a rousing card game. I refuse to get into how screwy my family is because I will fight to the death that my squad is more wacky than yours any day. Point being, my cousin's wife (quick background---34, annoying, just had a child. Sidenote, this is my cousin's second wife, his first turned out to be a lesbian) engages me in a convo about how weird her family was and how she couldn't stand her dad and his side of the fam. Normal conversation? yes. But then she follows with..."Do you know what I mean?" I froze, it was a trap question with a possible inheritance on the line. I could answer with the truth and say yes in fact I do know, but then everyone around me would know how much I despise them or I could deny ever feeling my family was weird. I chose route C: Redirect the question and let her know that yes, I found The Fi's family to be rather displeasurable. It's what any respectable man would do.

Double Dare? I'll take the physical challenge...

Two entries from the Pit to take you into the weekend...

Firstly...Steve, I really thought our reunion special on Bravo went very well last night. The high point was seeing how alcohol has practically wrecked my boyish charm and the best thing I can do is wear a pseudo-goatee/mustache combo. It was also good to see Nat show up (I mean he did finally make it on the opening credits). Also, papa-Walsh sure lost a lot of hair and mama-Walsh's grey streak looked like she laid down in the road as the lane striper went by. But somehow, you my friend don't look a day over 28. Good times.

Secondly...mad props to the Pussycat Dolls for sending their career instantly into the toilet. You had us amazed at your mad skillz and sexy dance moves in 'Don't Cha?' but your sappy, non-sexually oriented song 'Stickwitu' stinks and the title makes no sense and frankly sounds like a household cleaning device. Did anyone else see this coming?

Wrap Up Special - cool site of the day TINA...FOOD

These are the days of our lives...

I have come to the conclusion that Chistrap Dickface, aka Johnny Douchebag, thinks he is Superman, or even the Ladies man if I could be so bold. How low must your IQ be to want to make out with the buxom, yet overly annoying, Jessica whilst LC stands watching? Furthermore, apparently the producers at MTV are doing a marvelous job of hiding cameras since the kids of the Real OC think they can lie about EVERYTHING that we at home, 1500 miles away, have just watched.
I could go on for hours about the downside to choosing Jessica over LC or I can direct your attention to the most revealing moment of LB last night...Ced's coming out party. For those who thought the man-hug last week wasn't enough evidence, I give you the Big C modeling a pair of Hot Pink undies at the Fashion Show (sidenote: Fight the Slide...come on kids, it's not a 12-round bout with nature, you're raising money for people who probably don't even need it. Perhaps if Trey were to cock his hat to the left, he would have thought of a better name.)