In case you were wondering...

The Pit has been closed for a while as we searched for one of America's 80's icons.
With the help of Nino, I found Simon Rex and I wasn't even looking.



a) how bad is this song?
b) how trashed does the Rex-onator look?
c) it appears even though he is in a seedy NY basement with a guy named Mickey Avalon, Tom Green and some weird DJ, he can still bamboozle good looking women "I'm Simon Rex, come hang with me."

While waiting at St. Pete Jeep...

I had to get an oil change today. Other than getting my usual trice-yearly ass-raping from the Jeep folks, I was sent to hell as chippy the morning chipster decided she was going to entertain the entire waiting room at 8 a.m.:

-She runs a lot..."I mean a lot" but she doesn't like to run with her iPod mini so she's thinking about getting a nano.
-She pays $1250 a month in mortgage for her condo which was her apartment but she bought it when they went up for sale and now it feels great because every time she writes the check, she knows that she's not wasting money.
-She wants a new car...a BMW convertible in fact...(I am not quite sure how someone in the situation of the above bullet can afford such a ride).
-(my question is answered) She's a really good saver. she used to be good when she was like 12-15 but then she got her car and her parents really noticed how her spending increased and they had a big talking too and then she straightened out when she went to school.
-Her husband is 15 years older than her.
-Her mom was 29 when she had her which was old.
-She doesn't want kids...she herself is a 15-year-old only child.
-She drives 10 miles to get to the Publix in NW St. Pete because the produce at the downtown Publix by her smells funny.
-She wishes their was a Whole Foods in St. Petersburg.
this is where I walked outside and shot myself.

My feelings on Hallmark holidays...

12 foot dong

It's not often I get to live in internet infamy but kudos to Q for this find:

http://gheorghe77.blogspot.com/2007/02/who-knew-devil-rays-media-guide-could.html

It's not only true, but I had somewhat of a part in it getting through the editing process.

It's kind of the porno version of the scene in Meet the Parents when Owen Wilson lets on that he crafted the choopa out of a single piece of beachwood.

YouTube mania

As you all saw a few weeks ago I posted about Twiggy the Water Skiing Squirrel. In doing so I created a video on YouTube, my first such public video. I was also unaware that viewers could actually comment on said video. Another awesome bonus - I get an email when someone comments. I was surprisingly startled by the amount of people who watched the video and cared so much about a trained skiing squirrel that they would take the time to leave a review/opinion. Such as "Thematrixexpert" who was one of the first to lay eyes on the pulitzer prize winning video and scolded my existence "This is abusive. 1 star and shame on you." Another bonus discovered...people can rate me!

sidebar - this reminds me of the one time Steve and Joey Fatone took a picture in which I looked slightly retarded and posted it on this site. I was pleased that a shirtless Brando with a jacked up smile would fetch an average score of 4.5, thereby getting me into the slightly hot category.

Back to YouTube, as much as the matrix lover's comment got me down, 'urbanfreestyle' picked me up by defending my honor "your an idiot, the squirrel is obviously enjoying it`s self or it wudnt get on it."

urban would also point out later that "it has a life jacket on... " therefore it wouldn't get hurt if he jumped in.

'joshiboi0' disagreed though - "need there fuckin heads kikin in them fucked up bastards ,leave tht fuckin squirrel"

I think he got so mad his English went to shit.

'babyhalps' chimed in with a lovely observation as well "Everybody knows squirrels love NUTS. This is just a good demonstration of how he puts up with one."

the fun is endless.

Down year...

The Pit thought this year's Super Bowl ad-time blew anus. There were no talking lizards, no Spud's Mckenzie, no football playing horses (or streaking goats) and thereby no laughs. Brando's favorite was a tie between gay Snicker's auto mechanics and Blockbuster's use of a mouse as a mouse. Both very witty. We mourn today as Gator greats Rex Grossman, Alex Brown and Todd Johnson wallow in their defeat.

On a totally unrelated topic, after the conclusion of the game and Dungy's Christ-filled acceptance speech, the tv was flipped to Ellen Degeneres on Comedy Central just in time for her to steal my joke. Let the record show that The Pit brought up CD's and their difficulty to open over a week ago and here she had the audacity to get up on stage last night and rip straight from my headlines.

The Pit ponders relocation...

The Wife has enlightened me to explore a more appropriate job across the country...I especially like that it's a manager's position AND full-time!
Upon further investigation, there actually is a PeachPit Press...we are currently exploring legal action...

BEEEEEEAAAAAAAADS.....

Today is the day that all Tampanians (or Tampans, or Tampons, or Tampacs, or Tampers) look forward to. A good excuse to dress like a pirate, drink profusely, yell obsenities and stare at a chick's chest - and not get hit for it. Let the beads flow like wine. Today's plan is hairy. I am letting myself into Q's world for a tour of Jose Gaspar, South Tampa style. As a poor black child from Lutz, I was never allowed into these part during my youth but I have somehow infiltrated their layer. I have set for myself a checklist of items to watch for today:
1) a red radio flyer wagon puuled by someone over 25 with a pony keg in tow
2) fake breasts (should not be hard)
3) real breasts - exposed (might be the biggest challenge of all)
4) beads with light up nipples
5) a drunk Florida fan to high five our championship win
6) a homeless man who awoke to a parade on his lanai
7) people I know or can pretend to know since Q knows everyone and it's fun to try to know more people.
8) the Rays float
9) someone falling down, already has fallen down or is getting carted off with an injury after falling down.
10) someone passed out before 3pm

I share a past anecdotal Gasparilla story.

CD's nuts...

I just got home from Best Buy where I purchased Gym Class Heroes. Great album so far after one spin through...but I digress.

This is my first album purchased in quite some time since I have become an iTunes junkie. It was very disheartening that it took me 30 blocks, two red lights and 3 bad 93.3 FLZ songs to open the damn thing. In all the years that CD's have been around, they have done nothing to ease the removal of the little plastic sticky strip that keeps the case together. Sure they added the "Pull Here" tab, but what's that really doing for anybody. It's so bad that some Shmoe has invented a tool to make it easier to remove the plastic strip - which by the way is stickier than any glue I've ever come across. I'm urging the industry. Work on this. It could be a top 3 reason why I no longer buy the compact disc. If need be, I will stage some sort of action to force your hand.

He's a squirrel...and he skiis

This is why the world hates America. because the highlight of the Boat Show at Tropicana Field was a water-skiing squirrel. Not only that she claims to be famous having showcased her talent in London, Paris and even Topeka, Kansas. This could possibly be the best thing to happen on the playing surface at Tropicana Field in 2007.
Notice the throngs of people. They were all awaiting the squirrel's arrival from his green room where he asked for 3 bowls of mixed nuts with all the macadamias removed.
I took a video in case no one believed me. Possibly one of the greatest things I've ever witnessed.

Ano del Gator

-Basketball
-Football
-Dancing with the Stars
-Mike and Mike Marriage Madness
-Fantasy Football Fourth Floor League
---the list goes on and on...

...all championed by Gators!

Urban and I are going to break down last night's win the next time we hang out.

It looked like we had far less fans, however we are a much better looking breed and we dress wih more creativity and pizzazz.

We are the champions...

Six months ago Nino and I formed a force more ferocious than the Steel Curtain of the 70's. We called our selves...The JewBan Connection (he's Cuban, I am part Jew). We took our skills to the Fantasy Football Field and came away victorious claiming the title in the Fourth Floor League, Second to None. We sent this out at work today:

JEWBAN TAKES SECOND TO NONE TITLE

St. Petersburg, Fla---In one of history’s most dramatic fantasy games, The JewBan Connection won the Second to None Fantasy Football Championship on Sunday with a 96-91 victory over Nastier than Knobbs.

The championship is the first title in the franchise’s first season of existence. Team JewBan was led by team-MVP and championship game-MVP Stephen Jackson in the title game as he rushed for 142 yards, caught two passes for 24 yards and scored four touchdowns for a tally of 40 points. Late acquisitions of the Jets defense and kicker Mike Nugent also aided in securing the team’s victory despite two key players (Marques Colston and Donte’ Stallworth) sitting on the bench and going scoreless on Sunday.

“We are ecstatic that we took home the title,” said Co-GM Jason Latimer. ”We really came together as a team in the end and all our hard work paid off.”

Co-GM Erik Ruiz added, ”Wow…what a season”

JewBan sat atop the league for most of the season finishing with a record of 13-2-1 and scoring an average of 104 points each week including a league-high and record-setting 161 points in a week seven win over J Rookie.

When asked if the GM Dream Team known as the Dynamic Duo would separate, Nino responded, “We are currently in negotiations as we speak. There are a lot of possibilities out there and I need to weigh my options. I also need to do what’s best for my family, my wallet and what will put food on the table. I just want to enjoy this championship feeling right now.”

Highlights of the team’s title run will be available on DVD sometime in the Spring. Fans can enjoy hours of highlights including:

- JewBan’s unbelievable stellar draft despite consuming several cocktails
- The signing of free-agent WR Marques Colston
- The Leon Washington/Waly Lundy discovery
- Nino’s bout with carpel tunnel syndrome causing him to not be able to set a lineup, and how he overcame his disability
- Join the team as they ride they 6-game winning streak in weeks 7-12
- How JewBan overcame the disappointing news that Zach Hilton was not playing this season despite J-Lat’s conviction that Hilton was the steal of the draft
- The team’s blockbuster acquisition of WR Darrell Jackson
- Footage of the trophy presentation, champagne afterparty and J-Lat getting hit in the eye with a Moet cork.
…and much more

All press inquiries or for more information, contact The JewBan Connection at (727) 825-3473

Our championship rings designed in house...gold with blue diamonds:

Our trophy celebration photo:

I know some are not into the fantasy thing and it is pretty much just a socially accepted form of Dungeons and Dragons (line courtesy of Q) but I dig it and am actually not bad. I came in second place in my other league leading The Wife to comment, "I guess you actually know what you're talking about with this stuff, huh?"

Five Alive

Continuing the trend of telling things about oneself that you might not now, I give you 5 things that Brando is not proud of that not many people know. One interesting note is that I love 5 Alive, the frozen juice beverage found at your local grocery market in the late 80s, early 90s. Some prefer Tang in order to stir in the flavor. I say nay. Nothing beats squirting out a frozen juice popsicle out of a carboard can. Though an interesting fact about myself, it did not make the cut and was not included:

1) I drink milk from the carton. Straight up, no tricks. One gallon up and down the hatch. So if you come to my house and want a glass of milk, remember that juicy nugget.

2) I have read only one book, cover to cover, in the last 4 years since graduating. That lucky contestant was "My Wife Thinks I'm an Idiot," by Mike Greenberg...and that wasn't even a book, more like a journal (very good though, I recommend it). Over that span though, I have been gifted 4 books, borrowed 5 and bought 3 of my own. I have convinced myself that crossword puzzles, the word jumble and now Sudoku are an applicable substitute.

3) I once stalked Ryne Sandberg. Sure it was cool when I was 19, but I am ashamed now. It happened one night in the Windy City when we happened upon a table at Harry Caray's that turned out to be right next to the table where he was going to dine. My friends (Joey Fatone, Steve-O, TuPac and the Puerto Rican Princess) and I passed the time with fries, potato skins and every other appetizer on the menu until the Greatest Second Baseman Ever showed up with his family. We waited him out knowing that eventually the 3 beers would hit his bladder and he would have to take a leak. Sure enough it came, we jumped and ran him down in the hallway for a photo opportunity...It's memories frozen in time people.

4) I once was afraid my nuts were going to be ravaged by a squirrel.
Scene: Georgia Mountains...Time: 1996/97
We had just purchased a lovely cabin in the Blue Ridge Mountains but 2 days into living the well went dry and we had no water. Long story short, we had to pee off the back deck. I however refused to urinate in the cloak of darkness for fear that a rabid squirrel could mistake my ding-a-ling for some tasty snacks and have his way with my crotch. Therefore, no liquids after 6pm for this buckaroo. 10 years later, my parents still give me shit...appropriately.


5) and finally, perhaps my deepest darkest secret...
If I was not married to The Wife, I would probably be living in New York trying out for the part of Kenickie in Grease, the musical. I know every word to all the tunes and I would be an excellent Danny, but that might involve too much work. With Kenickie, I can be an a-hole and churn out some sweet dance moves with Cha-Cha. Plus, I would get to say, 'A hicky from Kenickie is like a Hallmark Card.' which could be one of the most BA lines ever spoken...In addition I would probably own a Vespa (or some cheap Chinese knockoff that I could purchase on Canal street) to navigate the city.

So there you are, digest and wait 30 minutes before you go swimming.