From the slightly disturbing files...

Just returned from the Men's restroom...upon the porcelain urinal sill sat 6 pubic hairs. I know there were 6 because I counted them. Though I am not a forensic scientist, I could deduce they were from one person since they had a similar color and curl.
Now, I am a man. I understand that in the urination process you may lose a soldier or two during extraction and whizzing...but I ask, who is whipping it out and peeing with such ferocity that they drop 6 hairs? Also, it is worth noting that if you lost 6 hairs and this is a daily habit, you are going to give yourself a home-made brazilian wax in about 3 weeks at the pace you're going.

A sign from heaven...

The Wife and I love our home. It's cozy, it's quiet, it's sweet-ass-sweet. It's whitebread America at it's finest and we eat it with a spoon. Who knew it could get better...

Turns out that a former homeowner of said property was a hollywood star of screen and stage playing parts on Happy Days, Battlestar Galactica, Six Feet Under, Star Trek and Arrested Development as well as characters from Christopher Guest films - just to name a few.

That's right, Ed Begley Jr. It appears as though, and I am not making this up, he mistakenly signed his car title from Maher Chevrolet Ed Bagley Jr, much like George and Jon Voight's car. I'm sure it was carelessness as he was in a rush as to not get mobbed while making his purchase. Can you say "property value skyrocket!"? I have written him a letter inviting him to stop by anytime should he want to see his old haunts.

I have no pencil with bite marks as truth. But I do have a piece of paper inviting Mr. Begley/Bagley to take advantage of Maher's wonderful Fall and Winter Savings. It shall be placed as an addendum to our title document.

As a side note, the wife and I caught For Your Consideration, which has Mr Beagley in it. Frickin hilarious movie. Southern Jews and Fred Willard with a mohawk...'nuff said.

Thanksgiving Eve...

I'm in the office right now where there is literally 5 people. Yet I am here since I am lowest on the totem pole of middle management. So in my boredom and in an effort to not do any real work I did what everyone does. Searched for old friends on MySpace, read the newspaper cover to cover then searched for myself on Google to make sure there wasn't any news about me that I didn't know. It was a very humbling experience for me though...it took 7 pages before I actually located something about me, mostly because of this A-hole who has stolen my life.

The most interesting photo search came up with this...

I'm not really sure what it means in the grand scheme of things.

The greatest turnaround...EVER

Six weeks ago no one knew who Tony Romo was. He was warming the Cowboys bench as Bledsoe's bitch fetching water and towels and pretending to be a part of a NFL team.

Fast forward to now. Romo is king of the world. He's the starting QB for the Cowboys, has single-handedly turned around "America's Team", saved Bill Parcells' job, saved T.O. from throwing another fit and getting into a sumo match with Parcells, and now we find out that the new golden boy has stolen headlines with his rumored romance with Jessica Simpson. A month and a half ago he was eating Ramen noodles with his dog in a studio apartment, this week, he's dining at the hottest steakhouse in Texas with Daisy Duke on his arm and taking her back to his penthouse.

UNBELIEVABLE.

Not since Buddy from Who's the Boss have we seen someone's stock rise so high, so quickly...and we all see what happened to that whackjob.

Romo needs to quit now. Leave while you're on top. It only goes downhill from here. Eventually your team will start sucking, eventually you'll lose your job and eventually her dad will meddle in your relationship and she will leave you. Until then, be seen everywhere with her. Leak a sex tape. Write a song she can sing about how much Nick Lachey sucks and you're cooler.

Molding the Minds of America...

I took up teaching for the day...rather for two and a half hours...all for the sake of the GREAT AMERICAN TEACH-IN (said like the guy in the movies with some after effects with my voice trailing off). Me vs. 50 or so 7th graders at Stewart Middle School in Tampa. I talked about my job, only problem is that I have no clue how to describe my job which gave me a solid 20 minutes of rambling tutorial before I stared out to a sea of bored 13 year olds and asked for "any questions?".
Top Questions:
-"Are you rich?"...no..(follow up question) "well how come you work with millionaires but you're not rich?"...I don't know.
-"How are the afterparties?"...we don't have after parties, I don't work with the Rolling Stones...(follow up question/comment)..."Well then how do they get crunked?"...how do you know what that means?
-"Have you ever met any celebrities?"...not unless you count the FSU Cowgirl.

Busted

Scene: in front of Water (sushi restaurant, not a liquid body) in South Tampa.
Time: 9ish...in the pm
Date: Friday. Nov 10 (last night)
Weather: very nice, 70 degrees, clear skies
Attire: casual...jeans and a short-sleeved shirt

action...The Wife and I had just completed a fine dinner of sushi and drinks and were waiting in the valet line for the guy to literally walk 20 feet and pull my car around. The car he had just brought around was loading up so we took the opportunity to embrace and put on a smooching display for all to see. At which point The Wife took it a step further, in an effort to embarass me, and jumped up and wrapped a leg around me like I was a pole. At this point I catch movement over her left shoulder and see the rear passenger window of the Lexus SUV begin to creep down and a blonde, 8-year-old pops his head out and gives me the Jack Byrnes...point to eyes, points at me...then his mom pulls off.
I felt like a pederast.

I repeat, do not twist and turn...

I felt like I was johnny-corporate yesterday. The cause?... why, a mid-afternoon Safety Seminar.

The only thing I can surmise is that the company that insures us makes us do this. Why would anyone give a safety seminar to 40 people who sit at a desk for most of the day and the heaviest thing they lift is a stapler? Why would anyone pay a salary to a person to travel the country and get ridiculed for an hour while trying to seriously convey that improperly holding your mouse or sitting in your chair incorrectly can cause you to be a parapalegic by the age of 55?

The only redeeming qualities about the meeting was (1) free cookies, (2) my boss and department getting the stink-eye from the instructor for continually giggling (he wrote: "Chris leaving the bar" under a picture of a guy ankle-deep stumbling through a pit of cement and thought it was the funniest thing ever) and this video

which the instructor played 14 times for so. I learned that i should not wear a back brace, I should sit more than an arm's distance from my computer and under no circumstance am I to stick my hand in the paper shredder to "feel if it's working."

Next week is Sexual Harassment...

Where did Wally Joyner go and other perils of Nintendo?

What does one do with their offseason? They participate in an office RBI Baseball tournament. 30 people, head-to-head matchups limited to the playoff teams from 1986 and 1987 as well as the AL and NL All-Star squads. My first matchup is tomorrow over lunch against Bob in sales. I played a practice game with Nino yesterday. I didn't fair well, but I feel confident I will survive a few rounds with my mad skillz. I prefer to play with the NL All-Star squad but I will fall back on the Angels or Tigers if necessary. The best part is that we have the 1984 video game system hooked up to a high-def 60" TV .

best things about RBI:
-The guys are all fat.
-the guys are all white.
-They can't spell out anyone's name longer than 6 letters which leaves a mystery as to who Pedriq is?
-The music is more addicting than the Macarena.
-Dave Henke throws 98 MPH even though he never threw over 90 MPH in his life.
-Jose Canseco hits the ball out of the stadium every time.
-They work with a 4 color pallette which means that teams change uniform colors only for the purpose of your game...which makes me feel special.

Late night crime...

I am a casual fan of CSI: NY. I like Gary Sinese. I enjoy the token black detective and The Who intro song rocks. But as an added bonus, Claire Forlani is now on the show fairly regularly. And to make matters better, she has an english accent. It's ridiculous to think that a British forensic pathologist would work for the NYPD but if word gets out that the sultry sexpot who once loved a dead Brad Pitt is on the show, they would own the ratings. Shame on CBS for keeping such a secret. Note to self, an accent makes everything better...Crocodile Dundee for instance. That movie would have sucked if he didn't have an Aussy drawl.