Sorry for the delay in this posting, I was too busy getting ass-raped by Jeep for my “regulator” breaking and causing the window to slowly crawl down…But I digress.
I had my day made last night by Spike TV – Damme Wednesday! I kept an accurate log of my viewing which was the Reel Classic, Street Fighter.
9:02 – Van Damme, Raul Julia and Kylie Minogue…could you get a worse cast than that. I would’ve like to have been in the room when that pitch was made by the casting director. “No, I think the audience will have no problem with an Australian pop star acting as a military elitist.”
9:08 – Gen. Bison (Julia, aka: bad guy and leader of the feaux Cobra Kai) has created DNA Mutenagens. It looks like someone poured kool-aid into an IV bag of Dasani.
9:25 – Van Damme pulls the old “wear the bulletproof sheet with blood splatter and have your buddy shoot you” fake death. Why didn’t this man ever win an Oscar?
9:30 – We learn that Gen. Bison’s ultimate plan is to create a “perfect soldier” using said Mutenegens. I think if I had to hold hostages for $20 million, it would be for complimentary plasma tv's in every bathroom in the world...with full cable access, not that basic bullshit.
9:45 – We’ve hit a lull as they attempt to set up a back story and intro all the “ultimate fighters” that will save the world. I ponder…favorite Nintendo Games: (1) Contra, (2) Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2, (3) Super Spike Volleyball (don’t discount the value of huge cartoon boobs when you’re 10 years old)…what’s the damn code for infinite lives on Contra?
10:00 – Score one for Brandon, the head US official is the monopoly guy from Ace Ventura 2.
10:15 – The Fi has become bored with my antics and recognizes Minogue is in the film. She begins to sing Locomotion. She then reminds me what a ridiculously bad movie this is and aptly points out that Steve and I probably would have skipped class to watch this 4 years ago.
10:20 – Bison’s ultimate fighting machine is unleashed. He’s a poor man’s Hulk, green skinned, purple pants, red hair…no lie. Apparently the Mutengens don’t make you any bigger, they just give you a bad tan and make your face look like you’re wearing “The Mask.”
10:40 – Climax is approaching. Van Damme is running through his arsenal – Flying Side Kick (A+B), Axe Kick (B, B), Roundhouse (A+up), Roundhouse (A+up), Back kick (A, A, B)…what’s the damn code for infinite lives on Contra?
10:50 – Gen. Bison dies, is revived by his Eddie Murphy-Raw red leather suit and uses his jet-pack boots. If I had jet-pack boots, I would’ve used that shit whenever I could. Need beer from the kitchen, no problem, be right back!
10:58 – Van Damme is victorious. It occurs to me that none of the characters are at any point in this film “Street Fighters.” And Van Damme is bloodless and bruiseless, he’s a god among men…what’s the damn code for infinite lives on Contra?
3 comments:
your endless knowledge never ceases to amaze me Mr. Sanders.
that was me Steve...i was rushed and misspelled knowledge, cease and amaze. Now that i am aware of your callous hatred for deleters, i will be more attentive in the future...ps, if i won the lotto, i would shout it from the rooftops.
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