more from my day:
1:45-To Publix!
2:00-I've got some anti-mold spray, a box of cereal, vitamin water and trash bags...you'll see where I'm going with this...
2:02-Realize I'm hungry and scour the store for lunch.
2:03-I find myself deciding on which Hot Pocket to devour. Steak and Cheese or Cheeseburger. I went with the latter.
2:15-Arrive home and begin to turn my home into a vagrant's paradise.
2:45-6 nails and 6 black garbage bags later we have ourselves a wonderful little shanty/abode/homeless shelter.
3:00-Pause to watch COPS...they're in Atlanta, it's one of the best.
3:05-Note to self...in August in Florida with no AC, the house will get no hotter than 86 degrees.
3:15-Decide that if contractor comes back with an outrageous offer myself and Pops will tackle the ceiling tomorrow. Translation=my father and I will fuck up our housing design and decor for the sake of frugalness thereby setting ourselves up to get about 10 cents back when we sell the place.
Friday, August 25, 2006
...But you'll be able to see the moon at night..Part Deux
11:45-Man from drywall company shows up.
11:47-Tells me I'm screwed.
12:00-Leaves without fixing anything or estimating a cost.
12:01-I rethink my career. I need a job where people call me, I show up with no tools, tell them they need to get it fixed and that someone will call them. And then leave. Then pick up a paycheck.
12:30-I decide I am going to take it upon myself to create an outline of damage, much like a homicide scene from CSI with the chalk outline except no one's dead...yet.
12:31-Hoist myself into the attic
12:35-Contort my body so that I can almost lick my bellybutton. Reach around the AC carrier and poke to see if it's wet. 2'x2' chunk falls to the ground. My answer is yes, that was wet.
12:36-Spen the next 30 seconds not moving in hopes that I don't crash to the floor.
12:37-Wonder if I do craash to the floor and render myself paralyzed if our 12 pound Shi-tzu will alert a passer by a la Lassie.
12:45-Finish my atlas of damage so that when someone does come fix the shit, they don't try and screw me.
11:47-Tells me I'm screwed.
12:00-Leaves without fixing anything or estimating a cost.
12:01-I rethink my career. I need a job where people call me, I show up with no tools, tell them they need to get it fixed and that someone will call them. And then leave. Then pick up a paycheck.
12:30-I decide I am going to take it upon myself to create an outline of damage, much like a homicide scene from CSI with the chalk outline except no one's dead...yet.
12:31-Hoist myself into the attic
12:35-Contort my body so that I can almost lick my bellybutton. Reach around the AC carrier and poke to see if it's wet. 2'x2' chunk falls to the ground. My answer is yes, that was wet.
12:36-Spen the next 30 seconds not moving in hopes that I don't crash to the floor.
12:37-Wonder if I do craash to the floor and render myself paralyzed if our 12 pound Shi-tzu will alert a passer by a la Lassie.
12:45-Finish my atlas of damage so that when someone does come fix the shit, they don't try and screw me.
Installing a sunroof in your living room...Part 1
chronicle of my day today (I only know the times because they correspond with Walker, Texas Ranger which I put on for some kickass background noise):
7AM-Wake up, watch Mike and Mike and wonder if in fact the Tigers are going to lose their lead in the AL Central.
7:30 AM-Climb into attic to repair faulty drip pan under AC unit which leaked two days ago and left a bubble on our living room ceiling.
7:40-Get the idea to grab a towel and dry up remaining standing water in said attic.
7:41-Climb out of attic, grab towel, climb back into attic...I literally mean climb here when I say it. the ladder is only a three stepper so I have to walk up the wall and hoist myself into the crawl space.
7:50-Cuss at former owner who is not there to hear me but will burn in hell if all goes well.
7:51-Notice that it appears that the drywall ceiling is sopping wet and in fact seperated AND in danger of falling.
7:55-Race to crawl space, hoist self down as quickly as possible so i can move furniture, tv, electronics, cds, etc...hear ceiling fall in other room.
7:56-Peer around corner to find our living room covered in a dusting of pink and a nice steady drip of water.
8:00-Fill two trash bags with pink insulation and remove 3'x4' piece of fallen drywall from the house.
8:20-Call 30 different drywall companies to find that none are open or that they can't do the job until Monoday.
9:00-Garner enough courage to call The Fi and tell her the story.
9:15-Stop clean up temporarily to listen to biker guy across the street call our crazy neighbor a "crazy, fucking bitch" and run at her car as she drives away continually yelling sentences containing "crazy," "fucking" and "bitch" (not necessarily in that order).
9:30-Get a call back from a company I don't remember calling. young lady informs me that Paul will be here at 11:00.
10:30-Waiting for Paul to get here. Will continue after we get the automatic moon roof installed. next to our cieling fan which is danging by a gnat's pubic hair right now.
7AM-Wake up, watch Mike and Mike and wonder if in fact the Tigers are going to lose their lead in the AL Central.
7:30 AM-Climb into attic to repair faulty drip pan under AC unit which leaked two days ago and left a bubble on our living room ceiling.
7:40-Get the idea to grab a towel and dry up remaining standing water in said attic.
7:41-Climb out of attic, grab towel, climb back into attic...I literally mean climb here when I say it. the ladder is only a three stepper so I have to walk up the wall and hoist myself into the crawl space.
7:50-Cuss at former owner who is not there to hear me but will burn in hell if all goes well.
7:51-Notice that it appears that the drywall ceiling is sopping wet and in fact seperated AND in danger of falling.
7:55-Race to crawl space, hoist self down as quickly as possible so i can move furniture, tv, electronics, cds, etc...hear ceiling fall in other room.
7:56-Peer around corner to find our living room covered in a dusting of pink and a nice steady drip of water.
8:00-Fill two trash bags with pink insulation and remove 3'x4' piece of fallen drywall from the house.
8:20-Call 30 different drywall companies to find that none are open or that they can't do the job until Monoday.
9:00-Garner enough courage to call The Fi and tell her the story.
9:15-Stop clean up temporarily to listen to biker guy across the street call our crazy neighbor a "crazy, fucking bitch" and run at her car as she drives away continually yelling sentences containing "crazy," "fucking" and "bitch" (not necessarily in that order).
9:30-Get a call back from a company I don't remember calling. young lady informs me that Paul will be here at 11:00.
10:30-Waiting for Paul to get here. Will continue after we get the automatic moon roof installed. next to our cieling fan which is danging by a gnat's pubic hair right now.
Monday, August 21, 2006
Bennifer!
Me: Hello
Phone: Hi, this is Henry, I work with Ben Affleck.
Me: um, ok
Phone/Henry: yeah, Wade Boggs got Ben and Jennifer a baby gift but there was no return address
Me: what?
Phone/Henry: Do you have Mr. Boggs' address?
Me: um, hang on.
(give address)
Phone/Henry: Cool thanks, Ben is very appreciative.
I was too stunned to ask for the two hours of my life back suffered watching Daredevil during our fre installment of HBO.
Phone: Hi, this is Henry, I work with Ben Affleck.
Me: um, ok
Phone/Henry: yeah, Wade Boggs got Ben and Jennifer a baby gift but there was no return address
Me: what?
Phone/Henry: Do you have Mr. Boggs' address?
Me: um, hang on.
(give address)
Phone/Henry: Cool thanks, Ben is very appreciative.
I was too stunned to ask for the two hours of my life back suffered watching Daredevil during our fre installment of HBO.
Friday, August 11, 2006
Mighty Morphine Power Wedding...
I know Brandon has been absent from the world but it's mostly because my schedule has left me uninspired to write...but then there's Nino to keep me fresh.
My Cuban compadre informed me he could not go to the Bucs game tonight because he would have to accompany his fiance to a wedding over the weekend in Cocoa Beach or somewhere across the state. Lauren, soon to be Mrs. Nino, was in the wedding leaving poor Nino alone with his burro for Friday night. But then God smiled upon the latino lad...
Since Lauren is staying in the bridal suite, Nino was to sleep in a seperate room with a random roommate. The pairing, I feel, is magical since Nino will be sleeping alongside Sean "CW" Johnson, otherwise known as Red Lightspeed Ranger from THE Power Rangers.
He will be bringing along the complete first season of the Mighty Morphine Power Rangers to make Sean comfortable, later he will be challenging the Red Ranger to a fight just to see if it is in fact as fake as it looks.
I shall recap upon his return...
My Cuban compadre informed me he could not go to the Bucs game tonight because he would have to accompany his fiance to a wedding over the weekend in Cocoa Beach or somewhere across the state. Lauren, soon to be Mrs. Nino, was in the wedding leaving poor Nino alone with his burro for Friday night. But then God smiled upon the latino lad...
Since Lauren is staying in the bridal suite, Nino was to sleep in a seperate room with a random roommate. The pairing, I feel, is magical since Nino will be sleeping alongside Sean "CW" Johnson, otherwise known as Red Lightspeed Ranger from THE Power Rangers.
He will be bringing along the complete first season of the Mighty Morphine Power Rangers to make Sean comfortable, later he will be challenging the Red Ranger to a fight just to see if it is in fact as fake as it looks.I shall recap upon his return...
Saturday, July 08, 2006
AGI - part tres...
Ambiguously gay intern just keeps entertaining. If anyone has access to a reality show producer, I have a great candidate for a show...
Andrew, name your top three celebrities---
1) Eddie Vedder
2) Billy Joe Armstrong...from Green Day
3) Ben Stiller (10 minutes later he changed to Anderson Cooper because "there's not much that guy douesn't know")
He also revealed that if Eddie Vedder asked him to make out with him, he would. He would not touch Eddie Vedder's dong unless Eddie wrote a song called Andrew, the dopest guy I know and talked about how cool Andrew is on stage for no less than 1 minute.
Andrew, name your top three celebrities---
1) Eddie Vedder
2) Billy Joe Armstrong...from Green Day
3) Ben Stiller (10 minutes later he changed to Anderson Cooper because "there's not much that guy douesn't know")
He also revealed that if Eddie Vedder asked him to make out with him, he would. He would not touch Eddie Vedder's dong unless Eddie wrote a song called Andrew, the dopest guy I know and talked about how cool Andrew is on stage for no less than 1 minute.
Monday, July 03, 2006
My Neighborhood Friend...
I've found a new amigo to hang with. He's warm, welcoming, and never judges. He doesn't mind if I drop in
uninvited and it doesn't matter if I never call to thank him. His name is Lowe's.
I'm not sure who this Lowe fellow is, but he's built himself a real nice facility. Easily marked aisles and
affordable merchandise. The hotdog stand out front is a nice accomodation as well. TV's would really tie the whole store together...I've written him a letter.
My first trip was frightening, I felt as though everyone was always looking and judging. 10 trips later, I walk in like I own the place...though it's mostly because I enter through the Garden entrance because those big auto doors at the front are intimidating.
I began my Sunday with a trip to my friendly hardware store (mostly because I had myself a nice little
Saturday and didn't have time). My Holy Grail--a 2-in-1 Black and Decker battery powered Trimmer/Edger. I wondered aimlessly and pretended to be on a mission. No one bothered me...thus the secret to great customer service in my mind.
30 minutes of wandering later...Eureka, an entire aisle of shit I know nothing about. I dove past the blades, spelled Trimmer in Arabic and answered a set of safety/trivia questions...then I had to ask for help to load the box in a cart, not because it was heavy, because I couldn't reach it.
Homeward bound, I proceeded to chop up everything that was green in my 1/4 acre yard. This evening The Fi discovered the power felt when yielding Bugsy as she chopped up everything in the back yard that has caused her consternation. I can't wait for my grass to grow.
uninvited and it doesn't matter if I never call to thank him. His name is Lowe's.
I'm not sure who this Lowe fellow is, but he's built himself a real nice facility. Easily marked aisles and
affordable merchandise. The hotdog stand out front is a nice accomodation as well. TV's would really tie the whole store together...I've written him a letter.My first trip was frightening, I felt as though everyone was always looking and judging. 10 trips later, I walk in like I own the place...though it's mostly because I enter through the Garden entrance because those big auto doors at the front are intimidating.
I began my Sunday with a trip to my friendly hardware store (mostly because I had myself a nice little
Saturday and didn't have time). My Holy Grail--a 2-in-1 Black and Decker battery powered Trimmer/Edger. I wondered aimlessly and pretended to be on a mission. No one bothered me...thus the secret to great customer service in my mind.30 minutes of wandering later...Eureka, an entire aisle of shit I know nothing about. I dove past the blades, spelled Trimmer in Arabic and answered a set of safety/trivia questions...then I had to ask for help to load the box in a cart, not because it was heavy, because I couldn't reach it.
Homeward bound, I proceeded to chop up everything that was green in my 1/4 acre yard. This evening The Fi discovered the power felt when yielding Bugsy as she chopped up everything in the back yard that has caused her consternation. I can't wait for my grass to grow.
Friday, June 30, 2006
Sushi and strangers...
Dined on some sush last night with some good company at Samurai Blue in Ybor City. I don't go to Ybor often, mainly because I don't go to clubs, smoke narcotics or light up a stoagie. But damn, Samurai Blue is the best food ever. I highly recommend the Endless Summer Role (banana, eel, avacado and banana's foster sauce) I've got a little flow just thinking about it.
I digress...who sits down right next to us? Emily Lawrence. But I haven't seen her for close to 8 years. She played like she didn't remember who I was. Sha, as if. She wanted the 3-D spectacular back in the days of Gaither Track and Field. Turns out she's married with the last name Harrison and works for the Melting Pot in marketing. It was rather uneventful, but noteworthy none-the-less. I was this-close to totally snubbing her but I made the effort. See, she doesn't understand, I never make the effort. Most times, I just hide and pretend to not see people I know.
Back in the day though, she was friends with the Puerto Rican Princess, and I thought maybe she would know her whereabouts and I can get my money back. All for naught though.
Sidenote-On the way to a nightcap, we walked past the parking lot that housed the ferris wheel that Joey Fatone fondled the 14-year-old on before asking her age.
I digress...who sits down right next to us? Emily Lawrence. But I haven't seen her for close to 8 years. She played like she didn't remember who I was. Sha, as if. She wanted the 3-D spectacular back in the days of Gaither Track and Field. Turns out she's married with the last name Harrison and works for the Melting Pot in marketing. It was rather uneventful, but noteworthy none-the-less. I was this-close to totally snubbing her but I made the effort. See, she doesn't understand, I never make the effort. Most times, I just hide and pretend to not see people I know.
Back in the day though, she was friends with the Puerto Rican Princess, and I thought maybe she would know her whereabouts and I can get my money back. All for naught though.
Sidenote-On the way to a nightcap, we walked past the parking lot that housed the ferris wheel that Joey Fatone fondled the 14-year-old on before asking her age.
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Back in the saddle again...
Brandon's back...back again...Brandon's back...tell a friend...
I have no excuse for my hiatus other than the excruciating length of the baseball season.
Brief recap of the Pit's life the past 2 months---
The Fi and I moved into Casa de Pit, had some margaritas, I visited the armpit of America (Detroit), then went to the bellybutton of America (Kansas City-its kind of cool. But do we really need it, no), wrapped up the trip with a stop at Geno's in Philly, moved Nino, dog got fleas, listened to my AGI (ambiguously gay intern) explain what the "chopper" is and that he has been to many parties where the chopper took place (eg-drunk boy takes out his hoohaw and swings it around), getting my ass kicked in fantasy baseball, sent Joey Fatone packing for the hills of San Antonio, visited the Polish Annas a few times and comforted Tori and her bad boob job at her father's funeral (may he rest in peace).
Meanwhile, Steve is immersed in bachelorhood on The Island prepping to take on duties of Best Man. His wife is 5,000 miles away and he only works like 3 hours a day so I'm sure the Samoans are just about sick of his antics by now.
Brandon's Traveling Tips: if in Detroit, visit the Old Shellalagh in Greektown, it's a lovely shithole...if in KC, try out Tomfoolery's for a beer to watch a game...stop by and visit Liam at the Nodding Head in Philly (three blocks from the capital building), they brew their own beer and are crazy about the World Cup.
I have no excuse for my hiatus other than the excruciating length of the baseball season.
Brief recap of the Pit's life the past 2 months---
The Fi and I moved into Casa de Pit, had some margaritas, I visited the armpit of America (Detroit), then went to the bellybutton of America (Kansas City-its kind of cool. But do we really need it, no), wrapped up the trip with a stop at Geno's in Philly, moved Nino, dog got fleas, listened to my AGI (ambiguously gay intern) explain what the "chopper" is and that he has been to many parties where the chopper took place (eg-drunk boy takes out his hoohaw and swings it around), getting my ass kicked in fantasy baseball, sent Joey Fatone packing for the hills of San Antonio, visited the Polish Annas a few times and comforted Tori and her bad boob job at her father's funeral (may he rest in peace).
Meanwhile, Steve is immersed in bachelorhood on The Island prepping to take on duties of Best Man. His wife is 5,000 miles away and he only works like 3 hours a day so I'm sure the Samoans are just about sick of his antics by now.
Brandon's Traveling Tips: if in Detroit, visit the Old Shellalagh in Greektown, it's a lovely shithole...if in KC, try out Tomfoolery's for a beer to watch a game...stop by and visit Liam at the Nodding Head in Philly (three blocks from the capital building), they brew their own beer and are crazy about the World Cup.
Thursday, May 04, 2006
A sphincter says what?
Ambiguously gay intern last night says: "Boy, A-Rod sure does have a nice complexion. He must use South African oils to keep his skin so pure."
Me: "What?"
AGI: "I'm serious. He has nice skin."
Me: "What?"
AGI: "I'm serious. He has nice skin."
Monday, May 01, 2006
The gauntlet is down...
Joey Fatone's days are numbered. He will soon leave Gainesville and enter the real world of male modeling. With him goes my last chance to get free student section seating at Gator football. I am sad and pissed. I have challenged Joey - $20 for each illigitimate child he produces in his final days of irresponsibility that can be linked, by DNA, back to him. Should he become Wilt Chamberlain overnight, he could pay off his school loans.
On a totally seperate note, Bright House visited Casa de Dangle and gave The Fi and I the gift of life, or as we call it cable.
On a totally seperate note, Bright House visited Casa de Dangle and gave The Fi and I the gift of life, or as we call it cable.
The Gauntlet is down...
Joey Fatone's days are numbered. He will soon leave Gainesville and enter the real world of male modeling. With him goes my last chance to get free student section seating at Gator football. I am sad and pissed. I have challenged Joey - $20 for each illigitimate child he produces in his final days of irresponsibility that can be linked, by DNA, back to him. Should he become Wilt Chamberlain overnight, he could pay off his school loans.
On a totally seperate note, Bright House visited Casa de Dangle and gave The Fi and I the gift of life, or as we call it cable.
On a totally seperate note, Bright House visited Casa de Dangle and gave The Fi and I the gift of life, or as we call it cable.
The Gauntlet is down...
Joey Fatone's days are numbered. He will soon leave Gainesville and enter the real world of male modeling. With him goes my last chance to get free student section seating at Gator football. I am sad and pissed. I have challenged Joey - $20 for each illigitimate child he produces in his final days of irresponsibility that can be linked, by DNA, back to him. Should he become Wilt Chamberlain overnight, he could pay off his school loans.
On a totally seperate note, Bright House visited Casa de Dangle and gave The Fi and I the gift of life, or as we call it cable.
On a totally seperate note, Bright House visited Casa de Dangle and gave The Fi and I the gift of life, or as we call it cable.
Monday, April 24, 2006
Verizon blowhards
I've been on hold for about 45 minutes with Verizon trying to cancel my phone service. They suck...I suck more for waiting.
Sidenote: Management gave us a half day off today and allowed an open bar during lunch.
memo to management - bad idea to let PR drink for 2 hours on your dime while we should be working, you should know better.
Sidenote: Management gave us a half day off today and allowed an open bar during lunch.
memo to management - bad idea to let PR drink for 2 hours on your dime while we should be working, you should know better.
Thursday, April 20, 2006
That Mannequin is hott!
Brandon's first prediction of 2006...
Jack's Mannequin will be the hit album of the summer. Sure it's no Thong Song, but it has staying power.
I don't take the soapbox for a lot of bands, but for this one I will. Download it to your iPod, now .
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
Under Construction
The Pit will be relocating shortly which is partially responsible for its absence from casa de blogosphere. The Fi and I will be living in sin for only 6 more months, but now in a new location.Yes, it has a white picket fence which makes me want to throw up it's so white collar American but the football dog will love it. Plus, Mama Jew thinks the trellis out front counts as a hoopah which scores us lots of points and might count as a grandkid for a few years. Also, it comes with a 6-person Jacuzzi, or as Joey Fatone calls it, the Real World Hot Tub. Cameras will be installed shortly and we've rented Trishelle to stop by on a weekly basis to make out with whomever happens to be soaking in their skivvies.
And it's not in the ghetto, has never had a dead person in it and doesn't need to be de-bugged, which is nice. It's a very comfortable feeling to be able to walk out your door and not fear to be shivved.
For those who have never purchased anything of this magnitude, buying a house is like taking everything you have earned in your life and giving it to a stranger in hopes that the building does not fall down.
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
A Tale of Two Mexicans...
True story...
I approach number 715 where The Fi and I reside when I am greeted by a stout latino with a paint roller. He arms himself as if we are to do battle. Before I am able to call up Gandalf to borrow a staff and commence a la Steven Segal, he informs me - "other side, ese" as he points with said roller. (I added the 'ese' to the story for effect).
"Perfect" I exclaimed with three Target bags, dog food and a folder in my hands. Why shouldn't I have to walk all the way around the other side of building 7 to enter my abode.
I trapse around back to find latino numero dos going in circles on the riding mower with his airman's earmuffs on. Then a piece of mulch slings past my head (literally heard it whizz) and smashes against the wall next to me. I of course react as calmy and cooly as possible by dropping everything and fearing that a scud missle has narrowly missed me. Of course my cussing is not heard by johnny earmuffs but I'm fairly certain his limited English-speaking ability would have allowed for a proper translation.
I had an awesome off-day.
I approach number 715 where The Fi and I reside when I am greeted by a stout latino with a paint roller. He arms himself as if we are to do battle. Before I am able to call up Gandalf to borrow a staff and commence a la Steven Segal, he informs me - "other side, ese" as he points with said roller. (I added the 'ese' to the story for effect).
"Perfect" I exclaimed with three Target bags, dog food and a folder in my hands. Why shouldn't I have to walk all the way around the other side of building 7 to enter my abode.
I trapse around back to find latino numero dos going in circles on the riding mower with his airman's earmuffs on. Then a piece of mulch slings past my head (literally heard it whizz) and smashes against the wall next to me. I of course react as calmy and cooly as possible by dropping everything and fearing that a scud missle has narrowly missed me. Of course my cussing is not heard by johnny earmuffs but I'm fairly certain his limited English-speaking ability would have allowed for a proper translation.
I had an awesome off-day.
Friday, March 17, 2006
Nat finally paid the electric bill
The Pit has reopened briefly for this PSA...
I am not Irish. I enjoy beer as much as anyone, especially Sam Adams Summer Ale. I don't like to drink green things. I don't like to pee next to someone with a shamrock bead do-hickey around their neck who feels the need to pinch me because I have no green on. I don't own a green anything including shirts, shorts, socks, underwear, condom, etc. I don't want to pay $5 just to walk into a restaurant that I can normally enter for free. I don't know how to pronounce Schliante (even though you have it written in front of me). Leprachauns are in fact gay. Fuck off St. Patty.
I am not Irish. I enjoy beer as much as anyone, especially Sam Adams Summer Ale. I don't like to drink green things. I don't like to pee next to someone with a shamrock bead do-hickey around their neck who feels the need to pinch me because I have no green on. I don't own a green anything including shirts, shorts, socks, underwear, condom, etc. I don't want to pay $5 just to walk into a restaurant that I can normally enter for free. I don't know how to pronounce Schliante (even though you have it written in front of me). Leprachauns are in fact gay. Fuck off St. Patty.
Sunday, February 26, 2006
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