Five Alive

Continuing the trend of telling things about oneself that you might not now, I give you 5 things that Brando is not proud of that not many people know. One interesting note is that I love 5 Alive, the frozen juice beverage found at your local grocery market in the late 80s, early 90s. Some prefer Tang in order to stir in the flavor. I say nay. Nothing beats squirting out a frozen juice popsicle out of a carboard can. Though an interesting fact about myself, it did not make the cut and was not included:

1) I drink milk from the carton. Straight up, no tricks. One gallon up and down the hatch. So if you come to my house and want a glass of milk, remember that juicy nugget.

2) I have read only one book, cover to cover, in the last 4 years since graduating. That lucky contestant was "My Wife Thinks I'm an Idiot," by Mike Greenberg...and that wasn't even a book, more like a journal (very good though, I recommend it). Over that span though, I have been gifted 4 books, borrowed 5 and bought 3 of my own. I have convinced myself that crossword puzzles, the word jumble and now Sudoku are an applicable substitute.

3) I once stalked Ryne Sandberg. Sure it was cool when I was 19, but I am ashamed now. It happened one night in the Windy City when we happened upon a table at Harry Caray's that turned out to be right next to the table where he was going to dine. My friends (Joey Fatone, Steve-O, TuPac and the Puerto Rican Princess) and I passed the time with fries, potato skins and every other appetizer on the menu until the Greatest Second Baseman Ever showed up with his family. We waited him out knowing that eventually the 3 beers would hit his bladder and he would have to take a leak. Sure enough it came, we jumped and ran him down in the hallway for a photo opportunity...It's memories frozen in time people.

4) I once was afraid my nuts were going to be ravaged by a squirrel.
Scene: Georgia Mountains...Time: 1996/97
We had just purchased a lovely cabin in the Blue Ridge Mountains but 2 days into living the well went dry and we had no water. Long story short, we had to pee off the back deck. I however refused to urinate in the cloak of darkness for fear that a rabid squirrel could mistake my ding-a-ling for some tasty snacks and have his way with my crotch. Therefore, no liquids after 6pm for this buckaroo. 10 years later, my parents still give me shit...appropriately.


5) and finally, perhaps my deepest darkest secret...
If I was not married to The Wife, I would probably be living in New York trying out for the part of Kenickie in Grease, the musical. I know every word to all the tunes and I would be an excellent Danny, but that might involve too much work. With Kenickie, I can be an a-hole and churn out some sweet dance moves with Cha-Cha. Plus, I would get to say, 'A hicky from Kenickie is like a Hallmark Card.' which could be one of the most BA lines ever spoken...In addition I would probably own a Vespa (or some cheap Chinese knockoff that I could purchase on Canal street) to navigate the city.

So there you are, digest and wait 30 minutes before you go swimming.