Still going...

3 straight days...3 straight days...still loading music on LaFawnda (I named her that because she reminds me of a buxom, lovely black lady). Best find so far while rummaging mine and The Fi's CD collection: "Papa Hardcore Mix" complete with 'Pimpin Ain't Easy,' 'Damn It Feels Good To Be A Gangsta' and capped off by 'Double Dutch Bus.' Good times.

Hung out with Joey Fatone yesterday. Shopped for a matching shirt and tie for the young Polack for four hours and left empty handed. But good news, the wait staff at PF Chang's thinks we're gay lovers.

Dinner tonight with The Fi's boss and co-workers. Cross your fingers that the tuna is not on special, becuse then I would be forced to make an unfournate joke about an a-hole girl she works with.

I knew there was a reason I was marrying her...

I have entered the next generation...or rather caught up. Thanks to the generosity of The Fi's familia, I can roll around the country sporting my new 30GB, Black, Video iPod. It makes me want to bust a cap I'm so jacked about it.

Further Christmas-miracle topics include: Nino rode in on his stout Burro and popped the question to his Senora...The Fi scored a small bounty (enough to buy a beat-up Pinto) of Gift Cards to The Crap...My father tried 4 times to take a picture of The Fi's cousin's leopard-print thong she wore to Christmas (I'm not sure which part of that sentence is more disturbing)...The Fi decided 2:20 pm on Christmas day to alert my Catholic father and Southern Baptist step-mother "that she was not religious and did not believe in Jesus, therefore no elements of religion will be found in our ceremony," and yet we still got presents.

Tonight we dine on matza ball soup and latkes when Jewdom invades for the festival of lights at our first-ever hosted seder.

The Holidays Have Officially Begun...

The Festivus episode of Seinfeld has aired, Mr. Hanky, The Christmas Poo has made an appearance and I have no more work for the remainder of the 2005 year. Hang the mistletoe! Mazel! Merry Christmakkah! Where's the pole?

Bring me a shrubery...

This is unusual for B-Wal to go back to back with religious postings being that I'm going to straight to hell at no less than 20 MPH. But....
I was engrossed in 48 hours last night which delved into the birth of Christ and the history of Christmas. The reporter (don't know her name) was being led around by Prof. Wetherington (not to be confused with Mr. Weatherbee of Archie and Jughead fame) through all the key areas of Jerusalum. It was very enlightening and would have really converted me had I not graduated high school and lived in the real world for some time now. The greatest line from the two hour special came from the astute educator (or as I like to call him - guy who whacks it in mom's basement). It was a justification as to why he is called Jesus of Nazereth yet he was born in Bethlehem, like 70 miles away. The fabrication went as such: "Because they had to return to Bethlehem to register for the census."

...riiiiiiiiiiiiggggggghhhhhhhttttttttt.....

Christians, it is people like this man that have hindered your crusades.

Other revelations from last night (in no particular order):
-Jesus might have been born on April 17, year 6...wouldn't that be a bitch, they would have to move "Black Friday" to the day after Martin King Jr Day.
-One contrarian believes that the whole "Virgin" thing was not true of Mary and that she was getting shtuped by Joseph many times in many different positions throughout the holy land.
-Said contrarian also believes that the "Immaculate Conception" could have been a cover for the time when Joseph forgot to wrap his salami in lamb's skin...can you imagine using that one as an excuse today. "No really, there were no sexual relations with Joseph, the Lord has chosen me, a crack-addicted trailer park queen to carry his child."
-Also turns out Mary might have been like 14 when she had Jesus, which means Joseph and R. Kelly could have been really good friends.

I'm calling the ACLU...

Fuckin VH1. You think you are funny, you think you are witty with your one hour special, Jewtastic, looking into the essentials of the Jewish religion? You are not. We like flying under the radar of Christianity; kveching is a defense mechanism. Our vocabulary is not meant to be defined outside our world. If it were up to me, your c-list celeb panel would be blackballed from every seder this side of the Mississippi. Part of the mystique of being a cardholding Hebrew is the shock on someone's face after you tell them you're Jewish after they just made some anti-semetic, anti-racial joke. No, I am not a religious zealot, but I do take pride in the fact that my religion is confusing and silly to not only me, but everyone else. Plus, who wants to be associated with this guy in a public forum? Screw NSA leaks, Geraldo needs to uncover who has allowed the non-chosen one's an inside peak into our world. This is my wish to Hannukah Harry.

Deck the Halls...

Office Holiday Party is tonight.
Chances of saying/doing something crude/innapporiate after four 7 & 7's=pretty good.

It's at The Don which I've never been to...and also adds to the rumor that I can't go nice places. There's also the Jewish bosses that I have to impress. Plan is to make it known "how glad I am that it is called a 'holiday party' so that those damn Christians can shove their mistletoe and jingle bells elsewhere."
I will be wearing a Jew-Blue colored shirt and winking to make sure they know I am on their side. Is a Menorah tie too much?

Peach Pit cutline contest...

If you don't find any humor in this, never return to this page...

I thought we had a deal...

The Fi's sister ran over a squirrel. this is a first for me, I've never known a squirrel murderer.
On a related sidenote, I share the storied tale of Bucky, PES ESQ. As a child we had a cabin in N. Georgia which we frequented twice a year. Upon moving in, we had no indoor plumbing (no laughing, I promise we're not cheap; they had to hydrofrac...it's a whole 'nother story for another time). Anyway, we peed off the deck. I'm not scared, It's a true time in my development. I refused to partake in urinating after the sun set though because I was deathly afraid of a wandering squirrel climbing up the deck and chomping off my secret no-no parts. I would rather contract uromicetisis than have my twig and berries go for a midnight snack. For my 13th birthday, my parents bought me a plastic squirrel to place on the corner of the deck to "ward off roaming nut-grabbers." Thus my fear of squirrels and my congratulations to STBSIL for killing the bastard. Always keep a watchful eye for Bucky, P(enis) E(ating) S(quirrel), Esquire.

What did President Lincoln give us besides the TownCar...

It's cool, Brandon is back and the Pit has reopened. I was not in Africa giving goats to poor, hungry people (like a wayward friend of a friend) nor was I crying at the injustice that is FSU in the Orange Bowl.

I wish I was here though...

The Bullseye

Scene: Me standing in line in the express line (15 items or less) at Super Target.
The customer ahead has 20 items, I say nothing but huff so she knows I'm a little peeved. She makes me wait a couple minutes (touche) before asking if I would like to go ahead of her in line since I only have one item (she knows she is clearly violating). I accept and move ahead.
Sidenote-The new customer in front of me is an older woman in a jazzy. Memo to Target's ADA compliance officer, you are about to get sued because wheelchair bound bitches can't read the screen on the machine where you put your credit card in.
Back to the story. the woman, sorry violator, so kind as to allow me to butt her begins stacking her items when out of the blue (possibly noticing I have again made sure she knows I am upset at her item-count) says "It's ok, I'm a team-member." I knocked her cereal boxes down when she wasn't looking, that'll show her.
ps - clerk was deaf/mute. makes for a fun minute when he asks for your ID.